SmallIslandGirl

The Pursuit of Happyness....................

2007-01-13T02:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life hit you with stuff and it seems the more you get up and fight the harder the knocks keep coming.
I saw Will Smith's movie tonight and finally got the feeling to blog....
The movie just kinda reminded me that everyone has challenges that they have had to face in going after their goal and it always seem to get bad before it gets better...its just life....

Lets see so far for 2007........
No husband....check
No job......check
No plan....check

Trying to hold on to my sanity as best i can...
And like the guy in the movie i too have a six year old who's counting on me to hold it together so i can't fall apart even though i want to so bad..... i just want to curl up in a ball and well you know make this all go away.....

Anyway thats it in a nutshell i can't think too far in the future just one day at a time....

I have to believe that things WILL get better they just HAVE TO!

These words touched me...

Release the familiar
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
— Margaret Stortz

I am truly sorry that i haven't been able to blog these past few months but i just had to get my head straight..sometimes you think you are a strong person until you get tested then you really find out... ha!... you ain't as strong as you think young lady.....tonight i feel good better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today..and I truly appreciate all the nice comments and that you guys left on here i'll find my way back soon.

Me!

2006-11-05T13:20:00.000-04:00

That's me in disguise (still don't want any fat pictures of me on the internet) sitting next to my rosemary bush and aloe plant been doing a lot of gardening lately we painted the outside of the property recently and the painters dripped their paint all over my herbs can't use any of them now had to replant all of them i got a lemon grass plant near my park recently been looking for one for ages we call it fevergrass here and brew it for fevers my parents were the type who would quicker go out into the back yard for bush medicine instead of running to the doctor or pharmacy when we got sick and you know what? When i got sick recently i was craving one of my dad's concoctions so i'm looking to create my own back yard medicine/herb garden right now i and am looking for some basil and thyme seeds.

I love gardening its really relaxing a good way to destress.

2006-10-27T13:02:00.000-04:00

I am so sorry for not updating my blog it’s just that these last few weeks has been real busy.

First my son got sick spent a week taking care of him then when he got better I got sick and missed a lot of classes and now its midterms and I am so behind on everything I have three projects to hand up and haven’t started not one yet and my partner got into a car accident and may have to forget about this semester but in spite of all of this I am really really happy for the first time in a long time happy and at peace.

I finally feel like I am doing the right thing for me what I was meant to be doing I am getting stronger and stronger everyday and my life its not perfect and its not easy at all but somehow I am just taking things in stride the biggest thing is my relationship with my son. I went to see his teacher last week just to find out how he’s doing and I’m so proud of him… she used words like brilliant and smart and courteous to describe him and let me tell you as a parent all you want to know sometimes is that you are doing something right and you worry that the decisions that you’ve had to make would not ruin your child and I know one day in the future I will have to answer his questions and explain myself to him but I know in my heart that what I am doing is for the best... my life is great I have no reason whatsoever to complain and for that I am thankful.

Earthquake!!!!

2006-09-29T14:56:00.000-04:00

The first one hit after 9am i just came back from my jog and was reading the newspapre on the steps the house started shaking i stood in the downstairs bathroom doorway then it stopped then it started again then i paniked and ran outside my other neighbours did the same thing.
Scary stuff i hate being home alone when these things happen.
Then the other one hit a few minutes ago and i was in the mall and that was even more scary people started screaming and running and ah can't lie i ran for the nearest exit too and took a taxi straight home and now i'm searching the net to see what is the right thing to do during a quake because i suspect that the way the weather has been these few days we would be having a lot more of these.
Now i have to go pick my son up from football this evening and i am scared to leave the house this is some scary stuff.

What to do during an earthquake.

Birthday

2006-09-26T08:44:00.000-04:00

Blogging from my girlfriend's computer....singing in my head go Amelia it’s your birthday......

Yes today is my birthday and I’m so happy....I feel old but happy.
This trip was such a good idea last night my girlfriend and I put some Alize in the fridge and planned to stay up late to celebrate but the old girls conked out watching late night TV and talking over old times.
I finally got to see Prison Break though looove that show I don’t get fox at home.
I am having so much fun went to Old Navy three times already……..I know this is not a big deal to some people but you know what I love? I love when you shop and fill your cart and do a metal count and when you get to the register everything turn out to be much cheaper than you thought as much as 50% less looove that its like a good surprise at the register.
I made mas at Target bought so many dollar items I think the only thing you could get for a dollar in Trinidad is maybe about 4 sweets no lie.
My suitcase is packed to the brim may have to get a bigger one.
My son and I got to spend so much time together we have to go on more trips like this yesterday my girlfriend had to go to work so she dropped us off at a mall and we spent the day just walking around and shopping there was a duck pond behind the mall and we got to feed the ducks and fishes…… gosh we both need to detox when we get home all that fast food don’t come near us you might get hit with a stink bomb......heeheeheeee.
He wants a sister now he even picked out a name for her Tasha… my girlfriend’s babygirl fell in love with him she follows him all over he took such good care of her I love that ours kids are getting along so well.
I have nothing to complain about I feel blessed today to have a friend who gets me I don’t have to explain myself she just gets me and a son who I am very proud of and I feel lucky that I get to be a part of his life and get to see him grow up and I pray that I get to see many more birthdays.

2006-09-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

So I’ve decided to take a mini break to DC this coming weekend its my 34th birthday...... 3-4 can’t believe it…. next Tuesday and I need some retail therapy. I deserve it, can’t wait to hit Target and Old Navy and I promise this time to only buy stuff that can fit me no more buying clothes two sizes smaller with the intention to lose weight to fit them total waste of money learned that the hard way.
My only dilemma is my in laws.
I’m staying with a girlfriend and I would love to visit my in laws since I’m taking my son with me and I know he would love to see his grandfather. This is the first time that I am staying at my girlfriends place I just don’t feel like getting into it with them the first reaction people give is they try to see if they could fix things you know get the two parties together blah blah blah and I am just not up for that its too late for that….. the only thing is I don’t think it’s my place to tell them about the separation. I think its my ex’s job to do that its his family anyway.

I spoke to them on the phone this weekend they called to say hi and its obvious that he hasn’t told them about us breaking up and if I tell them about my trip they will obviously want to know why I’m not staying with them and I will have to get into it but if I go and not at least visit them or call and they find out eventually… I will feel so bad either way….
They will be coming to Trini for Christmas so my son could see them then and this trip could be just about my girlfriend and her kid and my kid just hanging out either way I have a few days to decide what to do.
I just don't want to be the one to tell them I told my family and most of my friends know and they all seem to have accepted things at least they are acting that way my mom has been very supportive she stays with my son when i have to work the night shift and my sisters have been there for me but my ex I don't know very few of his friends know one of them met me in the supermarket and made the comment about how great i look and whatever my husband was doing he needs to keep it up blah blah blah and i have to keep a straight face because as i said i don't think its my place to tell people especially if its his friend or family its just not my place.

Anyway no time to dwell on these things i have a trip that i have to get cracking on..... lots of last minute stuff to get you know how we West Indians love to take the whole parlour with us when we travel .

Tabanca part II

2006-09-14T14:48:00.000-04:00

You know how there are some things that happen in your life that you just can’t tell the people around because its sooooo embarassing well this is one of those things at least i can put it on my blog anyway.

I think I got hit with tabanca…..trini term for a broken heart.......and it is punishment for making fun of my friend last year. I loosed a lot of weight in a very short time I think its like when you go to the gym and you feel fantastic right after but then a few days pass and you wake up in pain all over well that’s what happened to me I thought I was doing so great I was flying high then my son goes to spend a couple weeks with his dad and the house felt so empty I mean empty empty and instead of using the free time to walk around naked and watch dirty movies on cable and just make mischief ….. all I know is one day I wake up feeling low low low....down to the ground low........can’t eat or sleep I mean everything tasted like cardboard.

My twin sister thinks I am on some secret diet and wants me to tell her what is it I’m doing she promised me that she’ll find out ha! Its so obvious everyone is complimenting me on my weight loss and I have to just keep a straight face no one has figured out what is going on so its not so bad…. My son noticed the first time he hugged me on his return he tells me mommy you feeling smaller.

Most people assume its some new diet I am on because I am always trying something even in school all my mates keep going on about how small I am now….when ah tell yuh this tabanca thing is real there is this commercial on the radio where the guy says ......it hit meh like a ton ah bricks …..well that’s how it is ah get hit hard….ah promise never to make fun of anybody again in the future getting your heart broken eh easy…. I think its funny well I can laugh now because life is so funny when you think about it you never know when its your turn so be kind to people and don’t laugh at them remember the saying those who laugh last.....blah blah blah........ yes ah look for it as we trinis like to say…..never me again ah staying away from love it dangerous yes.

One week I’m declaring how strong I am and th next I go days without bathing I could write a book yes.

Anyway I am seeing a therapist I love her she’s like an aunt I don’t know why I was so against therapy I could never understand what is the point of talking to some stranger about your problems....all I can say is it works examining yourself figuring out what happened to you along the way and fixing what is broken going to my sessions has become the highlight of my week.

I am slowly getting my apetite back these days right now I am craving some double stuff oreos.

Carnival 2007

2006-08-29T15:17:00.000-04:00

Its that time again when the preparations for Carnival 2007 has started.
My band Tribe had their launch a few weeks ago been searching the web for pictures from the party because i posed for a photographer and have been dying to see what i look like but haven't found the pics yet.
Next years theme is called ...Ole time something come back again......its a great idea where they put a modern twist on our traditional mas here.
I can't wait for carnival next year this time for sure i'll be skinny......here are my three favorite sections so far....
The first is Warrior Spirit love the colours the second is Jab Jab love the head piece i think i'll look good in the yellow and the final one is Fancy Sailor just because i always wanted to play sailor mas i think playing with powder will be so much fun and i love the white it will look good against my dark skin not very practical but i love it still.
So i have about six months to loss the same 50 pounds that i was suppose to lose last year for this years carnival so here we go again.

Life

2006-08-22T16:42:00.000-04:00

A neighbour of mine asked me where my husband was yesterday and i lied and told her he was working. I 'm just not ready to go there with her for now its a need to know thing and the thing is she is pretty observant she knows my work timetable so its strange that she hasn't figured out what is up i mean i haven't worn my wedding ring is months.

I 'm just tired of people asking me how i am doing because even if i say i am ok they don't believe me anyway but........ i AM fine............. its not an act i'm not putting on a brave face or anything like that i am really really good i am at peace and thats all i wanted really some peace in my life so i can do what i need to do.

This has been a really difficult year for me and i'm not complaining because life i can handle its ups and downs i can handle i can ace that its love and relationship where i get the F's i am 33 going on 34 next month and i am terrible in the love/relationship department.

I think i am meant to be alone i look at my mom my dad left over 15 years ago and she never moved on she has a rich life she has her friends her church her family she takes good care of her grand kids and she's at peace and thats what i want for myself some peace.

I am dumb in relationships i confuse love and sex.... if a guy is nice to me i think it MUST be love i'm pathetic.. i fall for people out of my league or who i think is out of my league when i should realize their is no such thing that i am a great girl and all these wasted years thinking i was fat and ugly and not worthy........... because of my low self esteem i have put up with things that i shouldn't and i love strong even if its destructive to me and i don't know how to switch it off..... love...... how do you stop loving someone.... even when that person has made it clear that they don't love you anymore?.......all these questions and until i could figure out the answers and figure myself out a bit I know i am meant to be by myself and that i am at peace with.

Hair..............

2006-08-04T19:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know why this is....... but every time i have a crisis in my love life the first thing i always want to do is change my hairstyle.
I usually just cut off all my hair its the first thing i think of doing and this time is no different i love my natural hair but this time am seriously thinking of doing the dreadlock thing........ this girl Goapele is my inspiration i saw her on BET J one day and couldn't take my eyes off her beautiful head of hair. I know its a lot of work and comittment but there is something about locs that convey strength...... I got the name of a loctician and if i am comfortable with this person i'll seriously start the journey its time for a change been wearing my hair the same way for 4 years now and i just need to do something to take the focus off what's going on in my life right now, I need a change bad.

I just want to sit in a salon chair and be taken care of..... its been ages since i've been in a hair salon i miss the salon talk....... back in the day when i used to straighten my hair saturdays was my hair time, would spend hours in the hair salon getting my hair done and i seriously miss that.
So we'll see ....I know dreadlocks is not considered as part of the 'corporate' look but its what i want to do and i am up for the challenge.

Creepy lyrics....

2006-08-02T22:51:00.000-04:00

My favorite radio station was down today so i was forced to listen to another and this song came on and had me in a mess i found the lyrics and had to post it. This radio station could make a person go crazy............ talk about sad fm! every song was so depressing the song they played after went something like this......After you go i could catch up on my reading........life without you is gonna be bluer than blue.........hello? you're killing me with these sappy songs i HAD to switch the radio off eventually or i would have losed meh dam mind.

Why Don't You Love Me?
Amanda Marshall

Why am I lonely
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for
That just isn't there
Why am I angry.....................angry and sad all the time
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we
never really had
CHORUS

Why don't you love me
The way I love you
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do
We've got a fundamental difference.................mars/venus
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me

Who am I kidding
It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly.............................i could have written this
CHORUS
SOLO

I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why
CHORUS

Him...........

2006-07-30T13:47:00.000-04:00

Ages ago i bloggged about this fine blogger with dread locks i searched and searched everywhere and couldn't find his blog until two minutes ago!
This is for the ladies who read this blog click here (with clothes) and here ( with little clothes) and tell me honestly isn't he FINE!!!

Enjoy.

Last...............

2006-07-29T02:20:00.000-04:00

Last Cigarette: never!!

Last Alcoholic Drink: Smirnoff Ice - 13th July 2006

Last Car Ride: yesterday on way from work - taxi

Last 'Romantic' Kiss: sometime last year i think.....been so long

Last Good Cry: 24th July I am always sad takes little to make me cry

Last Library Book: A house for Mr. Biswas V.S Naipaul its overdue too

Last book bought: story book for son

Last Book Read:The Principles and power of vision Dr. Myles Munroe

Last Movie Seen in Theatres:The Breakup

Last Movie Rented: don't rent movies

Last Cuss Word Uttered: maybe shit

Last Beverage Drank: tea

Last Food Consumed: microwave popcorn - butter lovers

Last Crush: Tony Pierce- think i have finally gotten him out my system :)

Last Phone Call: hours ago my blog friend

Last TV Show Watched: To Kill a Mockingbird on TCM

Last Time Showered: yesterday afternoon

Last Shoes Worn: work shoes...pumps

Last CD Played: B.O.D.Y band of de year machel montano looove this cd

Last Item Bought: clothes for son yesterday.

Last Download: none

Last Annoyance: someone's car alarm going off in the middle of the night

Last Disappointment: not getting to meet my blog friend

Last Soda Drank: mountain dew....didn't drink the whole thing though

Last Thing Written: comment on someone's blog

Last Key Used: front door key

Last Words Spoken: i speak to the computer sometimes :)

Last Sleep: yesterday in the day time

Last Ice Cream Eaten: TCBY pralines and cream months ago

Last Chair Sat In: my desk chair

Last Webpage Visited: www.ybf.blogspot.com

Beauty...........

2006-07-24T01:12:00.000-04:00

Ok I can't blog about the whole Miss Universe show yesterday and not remember that the first Black Miss Universe came from Trinidad back in 1977 Janelle 'Penny' Commissiong.
Isn't she beautiful? and take it from me she is more beautiful in real life you can't take your eyes off her i've only seen her once in real life and talk about aging grace fully.

I found these pictures on the net and had to post them i don't want to brag or anything but some of the most beautiful women in the world can be found right here in trini no lie come and see for yourself if you don't believe me.

No title

2006-07-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

She didn't win but she did come in the top ten so that wasn't so bad.
Didn't get to see the show though got invited to a party a neighbour was having and i couldn't pass it up she throws the best parties and it was a kinda farewell because she sold her house (for double what we paid for it can't believe our property value has gone up so much!) and is moving to some bourgeois place in the west.

It was a fun party apparently the guy who bought the place is a bachelor she kept telling me this...not interested...

I can't lie though i was flirting my heart out with one of her guests he was like me not drinking any alcohol and we both were sneaking and drinking the coconut water (the alcohol drinkers were complaining that we were using up all the chaser trini slang for mixer).
I am so looking forward to the coming weeks i broke down and enroled my son into a summer camp for three weeks his cousin and friends are all going so i really couldn't say no and since exams are over i have all this free time i don't know what to do with myself of course i have made a list of the possible things i can do in the next three weeks...

1. Learn to swim finally there is a swim class starting on monday its everyday for the next two weeks.
2. Learn to drive and finally get my drivers licences.
3. Join the gym and hire a personal trainer to lose these lbs once and for all.
4. Try to make a dent into Oprah's book club reading list
5. Now that i finally have a proper camera go site seeing and take some photos
6. Just sit around the house and waste time eating bonbons and watch a lot of daytime tv...
7. Start studying and preparing for next semester have to get straight As if i want to graduate with honors....

Really and truly the only one i truly want to do is #6.....
Have a great week everyone.

Kenisha............

2006-07-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

I have such a good feeling about this girl our Miss Universe representative Kenisha Thom, maybe i am biased because:

one she is from Tobago like moi
two she is dark skinned like moi and
three she lived right around the corner from me for a while and she was so friendly never putting on airs or anything like that.

So you know i will be watching the show and making real noise to support her the last time i felt like that was when Wendy Fitzwilliam won in 1998 boy that was something else i was running from the living room to the bedroom certain parts i just couldn't watch was too nervous like during the interview portion so i just ran into the bedroom them came back out to check the tv it was madness and when she won i was jumping up and down on the bed so much i broke it people were making noise throughout the neighbourhood it was great will never forget that night.
Promise not to break any beds this time too old for that now anyway.

Kids....

2006-07-18T00:54:00.000-04:00

Sorry no news to tell did not get to meet my blog friend yet he had a death in his family and i feel funny about meeting him now he's here for a while so who knows we spoke on the phone today though so we'll see.....promise to tell all if we do meet.

Took my son to campus with me today and boy he wore me out i have a math exam on wednesday and one of my school mates wanted to study i warned him that we wouldn't get anything done with my son there he's 23 and was girl just bring the boy it will be fun yeah right! what do you know about six year olds...

Anyway we get there around 10am me lugging a bag full of school books and toys and books and snacks for my son ( i need to get my drivers licence soon getting too old for this) and we settle down in an empty room we didn't dare use the library.... give my son his books and organize him.
Fifteen minutes lather he wants to go to the bathroom ok so we go..... then settle him down again then its mom i'm hungry ok its almost 11am so we take a break for lunch he insist on bringing one of his trucks that he dropped about ten times on our way to the roti shop hmmmm we return for lunch we eat and of course trips to the bathroom to wash hands and ok after lunch he has all his snacks and we start to 'study' and he's bored he's done all the writing he could do in one day and i beg him honey don't say anything for the next five minutes close yuh mouth.....of course he has to come ask me mommy if i have to yawn yuh mean i can't open my mouth?....i can't lie he cracked me up with that one........ the next thing mommy i need to go 't-o-w t-o-w' thats his code for 'two two' we go to the bathroom and of course its then i figure out he just likes playing with the hand dryer and is not really interested in using the bathroom at all when i get back to my friend he's like ...........girl its 1pm lets do this another time and i'm like i warned you that its impossible to study with a six year old around but you didn't listen..... so now i get to travel back home with my heavy bag and a tired child and of course i still haven't been able to get any rest or studying done because he gets to take a nap and wake up revived and wants to take his bike to the park........... and on my return from the park i get a message from some police constable who wants me to still come in and make a report about the incident i blogged about pressuureeee...........this thing just won't go away it was even written up about in one of our newspapers they didn't say our names though thank God...........

so thats what my day was like today........i need a miracle to pass that exam on wednesday i'm just so tired mentally and physically and killing time blogging instead of studying.

Highs and lows..........

2006-07-16T01:30:00.000-04:00

Isn't life funny like that one minute you are in such a funk that no matter what even your mom coming over and cooking for you(which she did twice this week i love her so...) can't get you out of the funk then somthing happens to change that.

I got a phone call from a friend the one i've been talking to by phone the one i met thru my blog he had to fly to Trinidad for a family emergency and of course my first reaction was oh nooooooo not now i haven't combed my hair in ages haven't been out of the house in a while plus i am depressed and i know i said i would like to meet him in person someday just not today noway........anyway i can't lie i washed my hair today and went for a run around the savannah and i feel great! Who knows he might be too busy for us to meet this time around.... i hope.

Sexual Harassment............

2006-07-13T13:10:00.000-04:00

Ok i have been putting off blogging about this for some time but i am ready today maybe it could help someone else out there in blog land...

A few years ago i had the experience where one of my bosses used to make me feel real uncomfortable he would make crude jokes and comments around me his body always seemed to brush against my body like his arm touching my breast or something like that and i knew it wasn't right the way i felt.

i went to the department that handles these things and the lady i spoke to told me that what i explained to her WAS sexual harrassment but its really hard to prove and at the time my husband was unemployed and i needed my job so she gave me some advice and i did everything she told me to do i was in a mess i felt trapped and helpless and she told me to do things to empower myself like further my education so that eventually i could get a better job that's why i am doing my degree she told me to stay out of his way thats why i work the night shift and i have been doing all those things and basically life has been bearable but last month things escalated and basically i can't give too much details but one evening while i was on duty he called me to his office and locked the doors and made a pass at me and..... well i am still dealing with it... i took some time off work and today i called for some more time home because i am not ready to go back to work... i mentioned what happened to a female friend at work and she went behind my back and reported it and the company took action against him but my work colleagues especially the female ones are not happy they think he is just getting a slap on the wrist and they are applying pressure on me to got to the police and get a lawyer and sue basically i get phone calls everyday from people who are now finding out and they all start with ....girl if it was me i woulda do....blah blah blah and all i want to say is no if it was you you don't know how you will act in this situation you don't know so stop....

I am stressed missed all of my summer classes and exams are next week and i have to decide what to do next everyone thinks the guy should be fired and i should insist that the company does that but i have to think about my family my son and the repercussions i need my job especially now i need it.

Basically i have to get into a fight that i am really too tired and weary to fight any other time in my life i would have been able to deal with this but not now its too much happening at once..... and when i think about it anyhow the outcome i have a lot to lose so its easy for someone on the outside to say things like your husband if he was a real man would get his friends to beat his arse.... well guess what he works for the same company and he needs his job too and on and on as i've said i feel trapped again...and basically just want to run away and hide or turn back time and make up an excuse and not go to his office say i'm too busy or something.....today another co-worker gave me the number of a councellor and she treatened that she'll call back later or come drag me out of bed if i don't make the call...........i still haven't made the call i just want to stay in bed today so i won't be answering the phone today...... i just need a break.

i know all these things are happening because i need to build some character and be more brave and to stop being a coward where life is concerned and i have been getting there slowly i finally am dealing with my marriage and doing what is best for me and my sanity....but this is just too much....

All i know now is that sexual harassment is real its about someone abusing their power over someone and the lesson that i learned so far is that i am going to speak up in the future if someone does something to make me feel uncomfortable i am going to be strong enough to say something and not run like i normally do because sometimes these things don't go away by themselves they can get out of hand like i am finding out firsthand.

Rain rain go away.............

2006-07-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

Oh what a rainy day today turned out to be lightening and thunder all day long and being the coward that i am couldn't get much done today i am one of those who unplug everything during thunder storms and the phone i read somewhere that you can get eletrocuted if you use your phone so you know i stayed as far from the phones and windows as possible.

I finally got a digital camera this weekend but guest what i have to now go buy a memory card because the internal memory can only store 6 pics at a time isn't that tipical? my son and i have been joking around today and listing all the things we have bought over the years that you had to go out and buy extra stuff for you know we bought a LeapPad in the US in '04 you need to get the different cartridges for it almost all his toys need batteries or some kind of extra something you buy a dvd you need a dvd player its always something and on and on.

Anyway my first picture is of one of the waffles i made for breakfast this morning my sister went to Grenada recently and brought back some nutmeg syrup and i took a pic of it it was delicious not very sweet and light.

My son is home from school and i am determined that he doesn't spend this vacation zoning out infront of the tv or computer he is going to do a lot of reading and we are going on some serious adventures and this camera is going to come in handy for that.

Vision

2006-07-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

Vision sets you free from the limitations of what the eyes can see and allows you to enter into the liberty of what the heart can feel. It is Vision that makes the unseen visible and the unknown possible.

Vision also makes suffering and disappointment bearable. Vision generates hope in the midst of despair and provides endurance in tribulation. Vision inspires the depressed and motivates the discouraged.

A friend lent me this book today and I got those quotes just from the Preface its called The Principles and Power of Vision by Dr. Myles Munroe I haven't been able to put it down since.

I so believe that there are people in your life who are there to set you in the right direction sometimes, one day its a girlfriend telling me to write down my dreams for myself and today another friend gave me this book and told me I HAD to read it he got it as a birthday gift from his mom and I felt so good knowing that he is willing to lend me his book. I feel lucky today to have good people in my life who just wants to see me do good.

Dreams................

2006-07-04T01:33:00.000-04:00

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." - Flavia Weedn

I found that quote at Renee gets fit blog today and its such a coincidence because a friend told me today to sit down and do a list of my dreams and what i want for myself which is something i used to do.
I had lists all over my house reminding me so that i can remain focused on my dreams but a time ago those lists used to make me so sad that i threw them away but you know what not because my life is not turning out the way i wanted it to these days doesn't mean i have to give up .....

This is what i wrote down so far...

1. Lose weight and get fit
2. Learn to swim
3. Get my driver's licence once and for all
4. Start back sewing i don't know why i stopped
5.Become a vegetarian( this will be easier to do now)
6. Teach son to eat with chop sticks and to write letters and everything else i know
7.Gardening.... organize herb garden in back yard and put more plants indoors
8.Find me
9. Be Happy again somehow
10.Meet new people
11.Live in a foreign country (NY) for at least a year
12. Save for my dream home (may take longer than i thought)
13. Learn french and visit France
14. Get Engineering Degree ( one year down two to go)
15. Do more traveling especially with son its a form of education.
16. Adopt little girl name her Petal or Essence
17. Start back reading not just chick lit but serious books autobiographies
18.Sprituality
19.Get a laptop ( want to be a serious blogger)
20.Retire early so that i can give back while i am young enough to do so.

Fantasist..........

2006-07-02T02:53:00.000-04:00

My sister who is only older than me by maybe an hour if so much thinks i am not equiped to go back out into the real world and be single she says someone like me who has been in only two relationships her entire life who has only had long term relationships been married for so long will not be able to deal with the lonliness that comes with being single and i don't know how to explain to her that you can be in a relationship and still be so incredibly lonely it hurts physically.

All I want is for someone to get me i know i am complicated and moody but after ten years isn't that more than enough time how much more time will it take?

Fantasist I heard someone use that word to describe Bridget Jones and I think it describes me too............. a person who creates fantasies.............

An unrealistic or improbable supposition...............that's dictionary.com's definition of fantasy .........unrealistic..........unrealistic..........unrealistic...........

I felt like shit reading that i know i live in a fantasy i don't know anyone in my real life who has seen Casanova as much as me or even like old school movies and music from the time when people got a high just walking in the park holding hands or reading peotry to each other or even writing letters i love writing letters even in this internet age ............i wonder if i am fixated on romantic movies and songs because i don't get it at all and the things that i want and crave are unrealistic and this is as good as it gets for me and i should just be happy........blah blah blah..... the thing is maybe the men who live in the real world don't love and behave like Humprey Bogart and flowere are really a waste of money too maybe if i keep telling myself that eventually i'll start believing it and i'll stop feeling this way.

I guess that's why i did not like the Break Up movie it was too much like my real life and who wants to go to the movies to see their real life? Real life is too hard sometimes and sometimes a girl has to escape it just to keep going.

Blogging

2006-06-29T22:33:00.000-04:00

I've thought about this blog and why do i find it so hard somedays to blog.

I started this blog i'm not sure why I think after reading Tony Pierce's and JAG's blog for some time i felt like it was a club that i wanted to join and when Tony was nice enough to explain that starting a blog was not as hard as i thought i said why not and i have no regrets about it sometimes i feel bad about being so anonimous because to tell the truth i really prefer blogs with pictures especially of the authors.

I am at a point in my life where i find that I am censoring myself you know afraid or don't want to blog about my marriage, don't want to blog about my job, don't want to blog about the times I am down and so i come on here logon and can't think of anything to write about and days pass and i mean i did not blog not once for the month of April and i keep wondering what happened back in April that made me stop blogging then i remember it was when i ended my friendship with my best friend and the thing is Bob Marley said... when one door closes another one opens and i truly believe that.

I've met someone this person found me thru my blog he sent me a simple email back in April and now my life is completely completely different i consider him a long lost friend i don't know if you can call someone you have never met face to face a friend we speak on the phone often and he has made such a difference in my life i don't know how to explain it without sounding ....i don't know.....sounding silly but one of our first conversations he told me that my happiness should not lie in another person that you must find it within yourself but i don't agree with him a person another human being CAN make you happy just because of who they are and from their kindness you know i think thats why blogging is so great i post something on here and i get really kind people leaving comments and telling me nice things and he has managed to make me a happy girl, its amazing how our differences does not matter he lives in another country we have little in common but still we are able to form a friendship i still can't get over that, he is such a great guy he has taught me a lot especially about myself makes me look at things differently, helped me thru some really really tough times and i am so grateful.
I don't know what compelled him to send me that email but i am so glad that he did.
I want to tell him thank you! thank you! for being my friend and no matter what you say Germany is going to kick Argentina's butt tomorrow!

The Breakup

2006-06-28T05:58:00.000-04:00

Saw The Breakup movie over the weekend was suppose to see it with a girlfriend but she never showed up so i saw it alone and was glad too because i am a cryer in movies thank God the movie theater is dark but sometimes if you are sitting near a friend you can't hide the sniffling sounds your nosemakes from crying i had that experience seeing Notting Hill with some girlfriends talk about embarassing and to this day everytime i hear that Al Green song..... How can you mend a broken heart.... i remember that part of the movie and get goose bumps and feel to cry all over again.

Anyway i am going off point the thing is they describe the movie as a Romance-Comedy well to tell the truth i have to see the movie again because i did not laugh not even once during the movie i just did not think any part of it was funny i think it mirrors my life a little too much so i wasn't in the mood to laugh and how can you use romance to describe a movie and not have not one love scene in it NOT ONE really really misleading and i did not like Vince Vaughn in the movie at all i hope he is no way like his character in the movie in real life.

I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet maybe the problem was just me........ i was in a blue mood and they showed the trailer for a new 9/11 movie starring Nicholas Cage and that kinda sent my mood down, anyway the one good thing though i think Jennifer Aniston looked great in the movie loved everything she wore I liked the chemistry she and Vince had I liked the Charater played by Judy Davies one thing i know in life is that every woman should have an older woman friend/mentor.

I guess i will have to see the movie again perhaps with a friend next time .

Superstitious

2006-06-27T23:02:00.000-04:00

So the Soca Warriors are back home and the Government made them all Millionaires by rewarding their efforts in the World cup and yes i did watch the match between Paraguay and feel bad because i still get that nigling feeling that maybe if i did NOT watch the match it may have had a different outcome but i am not the only superstitious one my girlfriend who was watching the match in a popular bar here said she started crying as the guys came out on the field because they were wearing white and she thought that was bad luck because the team always do better when they wear red and that in a war you wave a white flag to concede and by them wearing white they did not have a chance i just told her don't go around telling too many people that because they may think you are crazy.

I haven't been able to watch all the matches but am really looking forward to that match on Friday between Germany and Argentina i actually made a bet with someone that Germany will win and i know i have no business making bets especially since i know nothing about football i usually support teams based on silly things like how good looking the players are and the main reason why i am supporting Germany is for sentimental reasons i liked the way the German fans supported the Soca Warriors so i am supporting their team in return and my back up team is Brazil and of course the reason why i am supporting them is because i looooove Ronaldinho ohhh i think he's cute ( me fanning myself) not as cute as Russel Latapy though.... ohhhh weee....( me fanning myself some more ).

Weary

2006-06-15T22:24:00.000-04:00

Ok so my plan seem to be working didn't watch the match today either and from what i understand the Soca Warriors are still doing good.... Go Soca Warriors......

I heard this song on the radio today and its my new favorite song I HAVE to get the cd the words hit me and i love the singers voice its so beautiful. The lines in red are my favorite parts you can hear the song by clicking here .

Weary by Amel Larrieux

This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I'm made of stone
So I won't end up with no broken bones
I can't fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song
(repeat)

whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting' none ................I love this line in the song......
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin' day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

Chorus

Cause i'm a soca warrior....

2006-06-11T04:22:00.000-04:00

So did anyone see the game between Trinidad and Tobago and Sweden i heard it was good and the score was nil nil.

I did not see the game because i am superstitious and think if i watch any of the games i would bring bad luck to the team so my contribution to the team is to not watch any of the games live.

Oh God who am i fooling? the reason why i can't watch any of the games is because i can't stomach it I really had plans to watch the game stood up in my living room and got teary when they played our national Anthem but todays game was just too much stress so i hid upstairs and listened to my husband and sister and neighbours chant and shout at the tv and carryon and give themselves headaches over the game me i just checked in now and then to get updates i really couldn't watch the thing live too much stress ah tell yuh.

But i must say that i feel so proud of those guys makes me proud to be a Trinidadian and especially when the commentators kept repeating that our country is the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup.
Can't wait to see Thursdays game against England i know i won't be able to watch that live either but i am praying for the boys to do us proud.

Family..........

2006-06-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

Its the third today and i only cried once for the month so far it wasn't a long cry i stopped myself it was because something didn't go the way i wanted it to go and i just had to shed a few tears so far so good.
Oh Gosh there is this one tiny mosquito bothering me right now i've hit my right arm so many times now i am leaving marks ................
I miss my scale though i had a ritual where i stand on it naked after a shower and now i miss it but i'll survive though its just one month i can do this.
My twin sister and i are still talking we spent friday evening together i have to say my moms is the best she has been trying to get us to talk for some time now she will just mention little things about my sis every time we talk and i just do my best to just ignore her because it always goes like this my sister will do something to get me angry we would stop talking and i will ALWAYS ALWAYS be the one to make the first move and make up if i don't things stay as they are and i had made up my mind this time i was done but my mom called and told me my sis was having a crisis at work and she wasn't doing good at all and she begged me to call her and i did because i had the same experience once i called offered to take care of her son for a few nights so she can focus on what she needed to do and we all prayed a lot and gave her all the support she needed thankfully things are better for her now and thats it thats how come we are talking now my dad says we used to always be like that as kids we could be warring amongst ourselves but if something should happen to one of us we always could just forgive and forget easy i guess thats what family is about.
I have to end this now and go find a way to kill this dam mosquito the rainy season is really on us now............

5K.....

2006-05-30T22:32:00.000-04:00

Today is a national holiday its called Indian Arrival Day where we celebrate and remember that 161 years ago thousands of East Indians left India to journey all the way from their homeland and settle in the Caribbean. So Happy Indian Arrival Day!

I have to blog about my first 5k which took place on Sunday. Since the semester ended (notice i haven't blogged about my exams results at all? lets just say it was bad and leave it at that) anyway since the semester ended i have been on an exercise kick i go to the park/savannah and do a lot of running mostly to destress and lose weight and i'm getting better and better so i decided to try a 5k.
My time was 55:16 because i ended up walking the whole thing my twin sister yes we've started back talking recently i'll blog about it another time just have to say my mom should get a job with the UN she can help with the world peace problem. My twin sister wanted to come with me actually i registered all my sisters and their kids it was a charity AIDS run and we all got tee-shirts we made it a family thing anyway my twin sister decided to wear this cute pink fashionable not for walking tennis shoe and of course her feet started buring within the first few seconds of the race and i felt sorry and decided to just walk and talk instead of try to make it a challenge and thats what it ended up being we were catching up since we haven't been talking for months now. It turned out to be fun it was around the Queens Park Savannah and since it was Sunday we saw a lot of weddings its a great spot to get married we saw about four wedding parties.
There are a few more 5k's coming up and i really want to enter one and actually race, challenge myself i love to run used to represent my school ages ago in the 400m and 800m races its so freeing i like when i run around my park and loop people i like to think they don't think the fat chick could pass them eh? well eat my dust but i've stopped with the showing off thing when i ended up swallowing a bug trying to pass a fella talk about embarassing! Thats a whole other post take it from me don't run with yuh mouth open ok!

Communication

2006-05-28T20:06:00.000-04:00

Thanks you guys thanks for the kind words.

Heres the thing, to communicate, to open up to let someone see that side of you that deep down venerable little girl inside this adult body is a risk, because then you give that person power over you. It takes trust and when trust goes its hard to get back it takes work.

I've learned that the people who could hurt you the most are the people you love. I mean a stranger telling you that you are fat and ugly doesn't hurt at all you just tell yourself ah... poor thing missing out on an opportunity to get to know the fabulous me.... but someone you love telling you this stings, hurts deeply i don't know if i am making any sense. Trying not to go into too much detail here.

I don't want to become the kind of person who keeps everyone at arms length you know coat my heart with a suit of armor never let anyone in so that i don't get hurt but i am slowly becoming that person maybe its my age maybe i am losing the naive innocent want to believe everyone is good side of me.

Anyway i have made a one month contract with myself for the month of June.

1. Take better care of skin (moisturise all over after every shower and cleanse tone and moisturise face twice a day)

2. NO ALCOHOL of any kind you can't hold your alcohol and being drunk over the toilet is never attractive. ( I drank one beer last week and know now i am allergic to alcohol).

3. I am allowed to be sad and depressed only three times this month if i'm smart i'll spread it out and not use it all up by the 3rd.

4. Make date with self once a week be it mall, movies or just going to the library.

5. Some form of vigorous exercise 30 minutes three days a week minimum.

6.No apple pie actually no sweet pastries of any kind for one month.

7. Put away the scale for one month try to feel weightloss thru the fit of my clothes instead of a number on the scale ( this will be the hardest thing to do).

Reward for keeping contract with self is that pair of red sexy shoes in the mall that I have my eye on.

Have a great week!

Life..................

2006-05-13T15:01:00.000-04:00

Where to start i have started to write a couple times in the past few weeks but could never publish what i write. I've been in a funk for some time now.

A few weeks ago someone called me and told me that i need to watch my best friend and my husband they have been sleeping around behind my back and its been rough these few weeks you know should you believe it? It wasn't from someone i recognise so i have no way of knowing what was their intent.

But i've been doing a lot of evaluation these days the thing that bothered me the most is that the idea of her betraying me hurt more than the idea of him cheating why? because i expected it isn't that terrible? that i have such little faith in my husband?

Anyway i ended my friendship with my best friend of all these years not because i believe the caller because i don't i have no evidence and they never liked each other anyway so they have to be really great actors all these years the thing is she has betrayed me before a long long time ago and i mean i asked myself what is the reason that i have her in my life i know i have really bad self esteem that i somehow feel that the only way i could get some confidence is to hang around with someone who i think is better looking and somehow some of her confidence will rub off on me the thing is she believed that she was better than me and she once told me a long time ago that i will always get her dreags she was refering to a guy i was dating that she introduced me to and her behavior hasn't really changed its just that i have been putting up with stuff that i should not be so i told her we can't be friends anymore.

The marriage thing i haven't decided what to do about it yet really thats the truth I know I have to work on my confidence and build my self esteem i know i put up with a lot of stuff i shouldn't all because i tell myself i can't do better and all the other bullshit things we feed ourselves.

I really don't know where you get confidence from and what happen to me along the way that i have such a low view of myself? i went to a job interview recently and i did not get the job but the woman who interviewed me pulled me aside after and told me that i need to work on my self confidence she said she looked at my resume and all that i have achieved for someone my age and she couldn't figure out why i came across the way i did in the interview and its because i lack confidence seriously i do but you there is a thin line between confidence and being full of it you know those people who brag about everything and think they know it all well i can't stand that and i don't want to be like that but i need to become the kind of person who at least defends my own self and should know my own ability and don't put up with shit i should at least become the kind of person who speak up and say no don't do that i don't like it when you do that and if you keep doing that i'm out of here.

I know my weight is a big part of the low self esteem thing so i am getting it out of the way first i know i can't do it alone so i signed up with a program a doctor is offering here i have a friend who told me he's writing my eulogy because he thinks the doctor is a quak but i don't care people get results with him andi am tired of losing and gaining the same 10lbs the other thing is I am finally planing to go on that by myself trip to Miami its been on my things to do list for 6 years six years i have been planning to do that and every year family trips take priority i haven't been on a plane by myself going somewhere fun by myself since i got married and i used to do that all the time when i was single save my money and just hop on a plane and go shopping or sight seeing I remember hearing about Sam Lord's Castle in Barbados and i just took a plane and went to Barbados for a weekend by myself i had breakfast in Cave Shepards and took a bus and spent the day at the Castle hung out at the resort and flew back home I made friends with a couple from Kansas I think we exchanged letters a few times but losed touch thats the me I need to find the girl who used to do things like that.

No more feeling sorry for my self no more oh woe is me my life is shit and I can't do anything about it no more of that i'm done really i mean it this time.

This blog.......................

2006-03-26T03:37:00.000-04:00

I am one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason since I messed up my blog I have been discovering a whole world of other blogs out there its been really interesting I have been using people's blogroll to find back my favorite bloggers slow process but you wouldn't believe the amazing blogs I have found this blog about a waiter working in a restaurant in NY some people just have a knack for writing good stuff.

I found the blog of a beautiful black man with locks down to his waist beautiful my dream fella and now I can't find him and I could cry from frustration I know, I know, I am married and am being punished for lusting after a man on the web on the Lords day to booth..........I know I need some serious help.

I don't like my blog at all I don't have a themeand I want a fancy template but after my last experience I tink I will have to really do that webdesign course before I even dare try to change this template again. I like blogs with pictures especially pictures of the bloggers me I am too chicken to show my picture I mean people on the web all seem to be soooooooo annoyingly good looking I mean me I have to lose at least 50lbs before I would even dare show my pic here.

In real life I get embarrassed easily you wouldn't believe yesterday I was taking a taxi from the airport to go home and I jumped into this taxi and inside was a mess you know the kind of taxis where the windows don't work and you have to put your hand on the outside to open the door? and it smelled of diesel and you know I am a coward I always feel these kinds of cars would shut down in the middle of the highway and I we will die in a firery death yes I have a huge imagination but me instead of telling the driver that I am uncomfortable in his taxi I made up a story that I forgot to take out money from the ATM and ran back into the airport AND hid until he drove off with other passengers shameful eh? I just did not want to hurt his feelings big coward that I am.

Have a great week everyone thanks for reading maybe one day soon I will find the time to do a make over of this blog and make it fancy with pictures and stories about my world travels and my celebrity friends........ yeah right in my dreams........

?

2006-03-25T00:59:00.000-04:00

I don't know what I did to mess up my site but Thank God!! its sorta back.
I loosed all my links no blog roll don't even know how to build that back and I loosed my site meter thingy and its totally confusing.........................OK need to take a deep breath......... at least I did not lose my posts and can still MAKE posts.

I am not a computer person and have no idea what I did to mess up my site.

In the mean time I have been using other people's blogs to find my favorite reads thank God I was able to remember some of your site names.

I am still here so please bear with me I am not so good at this as you can tell so it will be a while.

Thats the last time I will try to change my template somepeople (me) should find better things to do late at night instead of messing around with their blog......... note to self...........

Still here.........................

2006-03-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

I am still here just burned out. Right after Carnival I started getting these pains in my chest where I felt like I was getting a heart attack and had real low energy and couldn't concentrate to do simple tasks I was so worried I finally got around to seeing my doctor about it he say its anxiety and that I am trying to do to much he even suggested that I should pick between school or work that I can't do both but my reality is that I can't afford to quit my job I need it to pay the bills and I need to continue my education to get a better job so I am kinda stuck.

I am trying non medication ways of coping I took some time off from school and just stayed in bed and watched tv and chilled and I am getting help from a concellor to cope with the other issues that I have been putting to the back of my mind for too long I have finally realised that somethings you do need help with and my usual method of writing in my diary or waiting for it to pass just not cutting it this time around.

Today is the first day in weeks that I feel a bit better the one good thing is I finally got to see the story of Malcolm X 3 and 1/2 hours long movie and I finally got to see Office Space my husband's favorite movie I watched it about three times I get it it is really funny.

Oh and you know what my new favorite thing to do is? calling radio stations to win prizes try it its a lot of fun especially when they put you to talk on the air live. I won a ticket to see Jeffery Osborne in Concert on the 30th isn't that the coolest? since I am miss I never won anything in my life so that was great.

Oh and for those of you who remember last year I blogged about going to the Tobago Jazz festival here , here and here, well rumour had it that Elton John and Celine Dion were going to perform so we had no plans of going this year but guess what? the line up is much better than expected Sting, Pattie Labelle, Vanessa Williams, P.Diddy,Natalie Cole ,Johnny Gill its next month April 21st-23rd so now we are seriously thinking about going to this last year was great and my husband and I both love Sting.

What else..............Oh my son's fish died and we were trying to decide what other pet to get him and last week we came home and found a young Parrot in the backyard and he walked into the house as if he lived here for ages and wouldn't leave so we started feeding him and now we have a new member in the family he can already imitated our laughter and whistles a neighbour lent us a huge cage for him and now my son has a new pet he is so tame we let him walk around the house and he has a great personallity we are not allowed to have pets here one of the benefits of condo living but so far non of the neighbours have complained he only makes a lot of noise if my son puts the tv on too loud and I love him for complaining because I am the same way don't like the tv on too loud either. My son has named him Rocky.

Carnival done...............

2006-03-05T19:34:00.000-04:00

OK I really don't know what to think about my Carnival experience could have been better.

A good friend of mine died on Carnival tuesday I saw him the week before he had a beer in his right hand and he gave me a choking hug with his left arm he was happy and was teasing me he calls me sweetness and now he is dead and I am still in shock I can't stand it. He was such a great guy so sweet to me and now he's gone forever and I keep going over in my mind the last time I saw him.

My little sister had a baby boy and I am loving him already because he waited til Ash Wednesday to be borned 9lbs boy do we make huge babies in our family now I am trying to convince her that Ralphie is a perfect name for him she's not taking me on at all.

OK about my Carnival it was ok I met Karen from the chookooloonks blog my first official meeting of a fellow blogger and she is really beautiful in real life I just knew it I hope we get to see each other again soon she posted about her carnival experience here.

I made a fool of myself by going up to a guy in the band who looked like Francis from the Moving Back to Jamaica Blog and asking him if he was and of course he was not but his friend tried to convince me that it was indeed him and it became a joke for the day everytime we saw each other he would try to convince me yes his name was Francis as if I don't know the difference between a Jamaican and Trini accent so I did not get to meet Francis.

OK I know I should be sounding more entusiastic about my Carnival experience but it wasn't all that great I missed my husband alot everytime I saw a girl that look like the type he would like I would wish he was there to point her out and just to share the whole experience with.

Monday was a disaster because my girlfriend who I believe has food issues when we stopped to eat she ate NOTHING all day she even embarassed me when they were passing around the icecream for desert she shouted at me not to take one infront of our friends and strangers I quickly ran to the bathroom I was so embarassed she made it seem as if I could not control my eating anyway @ 4pm we loosed our friends and she got sick and we ended up in an ambulance yes first time in my life I have ever seen the inside of an ambulance she was severely dehydrated and when the medic said he may have to take her to the hospital I loosed it I cried and cried and cried we spent the remaining of Carnival Monday evening in the ambulance with the medic trying all kinds of stuff to get her better and until we could get a ride home I cried all the way home it was like the shut of valve for my tears was not working I am embarassed now because I don't know why I cried so much now my friends think I am oversensitive which I am not I was just overwhelmed it was too much stress seeing my girlfriend sick like that and feeling helpless and I know in a month or two I might be laughing about it but it was not funny at the time, still not funny.

Tuesday was better it was like a mini renunion I met friends that I haven't seen in years and years I had a fantastic time didn't want it to end and yes I did get sunburn black as I am and I did use a lot of sunscreen oh and I saw that hot actor the one who has a show on Showtime Sleeper Cell Michael Ealy talk about your gorgeous black man well he was in the band surrounded by serious security so I only got to watch him from a distance, all in all Carnival was good Tribe is the best band if you should ever consider playing mas in Trinidad and Tobago this is the band to play with.

I will post pics later.

Carnival countdown..................

2006-02-26T20:59:00.000-04:00

OK I have my costume which i've tried on a million times already still love it. I have my sunscreen I even put on my id bands one time because i've been having nightmares about forgeting to put them on and being put out of the band so anxious for tomorrow so excited can't wait.

Carnival is tomorrow well a few hours away tonight I go to bed early to get my beauty sleep.
Went to a fete last night called Dawn you get there at midnight and party till dawn thank God the guy we hired to take us came at 5:30am because I/we were runing on empty by that time and there were two more bands to perform it was great we got a surprise performance by Bounty Killer I love the new fusion of soca music with other caribbean artists especially the Jamaicans maybe music is the thing to unite us.

I really wish I could have gone to Brian Lara's party tonight but its just too expensive for me at that price he will have to throw in a night in his bed too, just kidding and what gets me is I have a friend who is going and did not have to pay he got invited to go for free so unfair.

Anyway tonight is the Dimache Gras show where all the finalists in the King and Queen of Carnival is judged I am hoping that Curtis Eustace wins again love him, also the calypso King and Queen is judged as well, traditionally we would camp out in the living room with eats and drinks to watch the whole show then @ 4 to 5 am head into Port of Spain to see the J'ouvert celebration otherwise known as mud mas and then later on the pretty mas but since I will be playing mas I have to get some serious sleep.

I promise to take lots of pics and tell you all about it soon.

Grateful.................

2006-02-22T21:08:00.000-04:00

I blogged about happiness yesterday and death only to find out someone I knew passed away suddenly she was in her late 30's and she just got an infection and died she has a two year old daughter and its just so sad how you could be here young and healthy one minute and gone the next it just reinforced my reslove to enjoy my life no matter how short it may be.

I did a grateful list too........

1. I am grateful for my son who at 6 is so smart he keeps me on my toes I told him he has to go to bed earlier because of the trouble to wake him in the mornngs and he changed the time on the clock and fooled his old mother I can't remember being so smart at his age. I love him so.

2. I am grateful to my husband who even though we are going thru the seven year itch right now I love him will always love him he's been my rock never stops me from doing anything I want to gives me all the support and love that I need and has become the big brother and son to my sisters and mom.

3. I am grateful to my mom who calls me everyday to see how i'm doing and has such a good relationship with my son and husband who has the ability to show grace under pressure and her ability to forgive and forget I hope to mirror one day. She always ask me first did you pray about it? whenever I call to tell her my troubles she has such strong faith.

4. I am grateful for my girlfriend whose mission in life is to build my selfesteem who tells me how beautiful I am and remind me what i've achieved and never takes no for an answer when I want to use my fat as an excuse to stay at home and not go out and have fun we all should have friends like that .

5. I am grateful for my country with all the crime and terrible drivers and bad manners here I still love it here I love the way we could find the humour in serious issues and make light of it the way we make friends easily and could have a good time especially for Carnival, I love Carnival.

What are you guys grateful for?

Life is what it is..................

2006-02-21T21:04:00.000-04:00

I loooove my costume, love the head piece and promise to keep it for my grandkids I have never kept any of my costumes in the past but this one I am keeping for sure. I laughed when I went to collect my costume because I had ordered a thong too could you believe I really thought I would be skinny by now and would be able to wear a thong in public how funny is that boy do I live in a fantasy world sometimes.

Ok here's the thing I keep being asked by everyone why am I playing mas by myself why is my husband not playing with me and I always want to ask people why put me on the spot by asking me those kinds of questions I just smile and say long story and change the subject as quickly as possible.

The thing is I did plan for him to play mas with me I even registered for him and everything my girlfriend was mad with me because as she put it you don't bring sand to the beach as they say but I have never played mas without him ever but things are not great I can't go into details not yet anyway just know this is not by choice I worry if i'll be able to enjoy myself seeing all the couples but this is the year I become an adult finally and take responsibility for my hapiness I have only one life to live and I always go back to how I felt when a friend of mine died suddenly at 45 of course I was really sad but you know what made it not so bad when I did checks and realised that she did everything she always wanted to do she was studying french she gave me a mix tape once with Celine Dion music in french and all she wanted to do was visit France and you know what she did see France more than once too she had a happy full rich life and thats all I want for myself too I want to have fun I want to graduate I want my son to look up to me I agree when they say we parents should be our kids' roll models not movie stars and sport figures. Don't mean to sound preachie but am I to not play mas if things are not great in my marriage right now? am I suppose to do the tipical thing of watching marathon sessions of Bridget Jones' Diary and eating everything in the fridge how is that helping the situation? I have tried that it doesn't make you feel better it just makes you fat and sad and as I said this is my year to start taking responsibility for my hapiness.

Carnival..............

2006-02-17T19:35:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in such a long time.

Its the middle of carnival here and boy am I having a fantastic time you guys must come to Trinidad and experience it its great I don't know how to explain carnival to someone who hasn't experience it. Brotha Buck who has a great blog btw asked in my comments a while ago and I really can't explain what exactly carnival is its a season, its a vibes, its a spirit that passes thru the country makes normal civilised people do strange things let loose have a great time you can make friends for life party everyday for a week and still make an A+ in an exam which I did.

Last sunday I went to the Panorama (steel pan music competition) semi-finals with a girlfriend we got there at 11am and left at 11pm we had such a good time and I know people bad talk the North Stand and say you can't hear the pan music because its so noisy and crouded and the thing is thats where the fun is the rhythm sections ( group of people who hit instruments iron bottles to make their own music) the people thats what its all about.

I packed a small cooler with drinks and turkey sandwiches because I thought the day will be long mygirlfriend told me to leave it at home I won't be needing it and she was right we were fed by stangers given drinks and eats all day these are the times that I love my country the best our ability to have a good time and make friends so easy we hung out with some guys who we just met and at the end of the day it was as if we go way back I tried this strange drink that seem to evaporate on my tongue sambuca I think its called.

Tomorrow I collect my costume and I am under a lot of stress because inspite of my efforts I am back up to 175lbs!!!! so yuh know I hope meh costume fit Oh gordon! if it eh fit meh ah doh know what ah go do.............

I am taking a break from partying this weekend I have to be strong Machel have a concert on saturday and I think the whole of Trinidad will be there except me........ I have two exams in the coming week that I have to pass then from wednesday my carnival really starts no school or work for a week can't wait!

How was your week??

2006-02-04T22:18:00.000-04:00

Did you guys have a good week? well I have to tell you guys about mine.
It started with one of my lecturers telling me that I will need more than determination to pass his course when he found out that I did not do A' Level Maths or Physics and I have been out of school for 10 years boy am I going to show him I am going to get an A+ in his subject just wait and see.

A fellow student told me his aim was to do better than me this semester not sure if I should take it as an insult or not but what the hell I don't understand why some of these students think its a competition they go around campus hoarding information not sharing its so silly when you think about it this guy is about 10 years younger than me is still living at home, his parents are supporting him he even has a car me I work full-time nights even. I am a parent, a wife have lots of responsibilities and he and I failed the same subjects and he is using me as a measuring stick whatever........

The icing though is that yesterday I was so tired from working on three assignments all week and studying for a test(made all of my deadlines so proud of self) .....

Guess what I did? I went to school with two different shoes on my feet yes I did and did not even realise until a fellow student pointed it out. I wish I could show you guys how I looked I had a red sandals on my right foot and my husband's huge black flip flop on the other yes my husband's don't ask me how I did not feel it I just don't know...............I was the talk of school I couldn't go back home did not want to miss any classes so I had to walk around campus like that I got all kinds of comments my best classmate kept looking at me and saying are you ok over and over............. this one guy told me he thought he was stressed until he saw me and know that he is not as badly off as me what can you do I was rushing out of the house when my driver came and I don't know how I did not feel strange I took my son to school got out of the car walked him to his class gave him his kiss said hello to his teacher and little friends and did not notice my driver didn't either...... came to school went to Subway for breakfast stood in line did not notice its only when I sat down in class made myself very comfortable in my usual front seat did a fellow student ask me what happened to my feet then I noticed and of course the shock on my face made everyone laugh some were nice about it but my closest friends laughed the loudest hey what can you do so thats my week in a nutshell my son said it the best he said he was very concerned about me...........all I can say is that I am not losing my marbles I am just overworked and sleep deprived thats all.
Hope you guys had a better week than me.

Trinis.....

2006-01-30T23:43:00.000-04:00

A colleague of mine took a sick day to attend a fete and made the front page of one of our local newspapers.

I know I should not laugh but its too funny I don't know why people think in this small island of ours a person would even dare take a chance like that unless you are like me and can use your twin as a cover if you get caught.

So today we've been racking our brains trying to think of a good excuse he could use for being at that party the only thing we could come up with is that his doctor asked him to meet him at the fete to give him his medication but thats so weak another suggestion was on his way home he saw the crowd and did not realize it was a party he saw the crowd and wanted to find out what was going ,yeah thats weak too.

If you guys have any suggestions will really appreciate it what would you do in a situation like that ? I guess he could always say it wasn't him in the pic just someone who looks like him.

On the topic of work my boss sent me to a seminar recently and one of the things the lecturer told us was that people like me who work night shift no matter how healthy they are will cut six years out of their life just like that no matter how healthy you try to live he said our bodies were designed to sleep at night and it goes against nature working at night it scared the heck out of me because I LOVE working nights been doing it for almost 5 years now and can't imagine having to change now.

Trini Carnival...

2006-01-30T02:10:00.000-04:00

I love this time of year in Trini because the gyms are full to the brim with people like me trying to lose 50 lbs in one month to fit into a costume this week they are starting the free aerobics in the savannah so if you come to trini from now until carnival you can get a free workout twice a week the savannah in my area are hosting the workouts on Tuesdays and Thursdays or you can go to the Queen's Park Savannah on Mondays and Wednesdays. Its a lot of fun to do the workouts they serve refreshments after.

I always wonder why we can't keep it up after carnival then we wouldn't have to be rushing around for carnival I guess its a trini thing to like to do things at the last minute.

I think I loosed a few more pounds afraid to check the scale but I wore a jeans today that I was able to take off without unbuttoning so thats a good sign my girlfriends think I wear my clothes too loose but I never liked tight clothes the sausage look is just not for me but I'll try to go to the mall this week and weigh myself to see.

Have a great week my blog friends!!

Making up....................

2006-01-29T00:08:00.000-04:00

I am so happy today can you tell?

Thank you cartoon network for keeping the 5 year old busy today so that I could get my groove back hee hee heeee wink* wink*

I can't believe that things are great between us again I thought for sure this was the end and even though the problem hasn't gone away I am so glad that we are back on speaking terms and we could solve this problem eventually or come to some kind of agreement.

I love this man with all my heart and will try to be a better wife in the future and not panic and think he doesn't love me anymore if he puts things at the top of the fridge where I can't reach it or he doesn't pay me any attention or anything like that.

My girlfriend came over today and the first thing she told me is you had sex and I tried to deny it I told her its this new avon face cream but she did not believe me.

Can you really tell when someone has had sex? What is the give away? I remember when my father gave us girls the sex talk don't know why my mom didn't give us the talk anyway he told us he will know exactly when we start having sex so don't even go there and I truly believed him.

Oh and one more thing I don't understand why the local media is making such a big deal about Wendy Fitzwilliam being pregnant and not being married come on we need to stop judging people its her choice and Keith Smith is right when Brian Lara had his daughter no one said a thing about him not being married so we should wish her all the best you guys know how much I love Wendy because she was the first dark skinned Miss Universe and I truly admire how even though she doesn't have to anymore she still supports and does charity work for the school for children with AIDS.

Hi Hi.............

2006-01-25T01:17:00.000-04:00

Things are getting better slowly soon I will be out of this funk.

Its carnival season here and every weekend there is so much fetes to choose from its really hard to choose.

And I don't know how a person is suppose to lose weight to fit into their costume with all these great parties a few weeks ago I went to this fete and they served carviar,escargo,ribs,geera pork, curried crab stuffed dumplings and oh lord just imagine a spread with all the fattening unhealthy delicious things you could want and boy am i unfit I partied during Machel's performance but had to sit out the rest of the show because I am old and can't hold my alcohol I was trying to be a big shot and drink scotch and coconut water mixed never me again.

I have a girlfriend who has been doing her best to get me out of my funk she took me to this fete and ah can't lie I had a ball.

If you have the time you can find a picture of my back with my afro here its the 24th picture in the gallery I know I am just too lazy to post it.

School has started and since the government is paying for this semester I can't afford to fail any subjects so its serious work i'm not proud of my performance last semester I failed two subjects and will have to do them over in the summer I don't have to tell you that Maths was one of the them.

Its a very confusing time right now in my life I can't blog about it all but I am getting support from my friends and I know things will work out.

I still plan to play mas even though I am sure I will be the fattest person in the band I need to do this because I need to stop using my weight as an excuse from living and having fun and doing the things that I really want to do life is short as it is.

Sorry for not posting more often I am just not feeling it these days.

OK Abeni here is the photo of my back.

2006-01-11T18:52:00.000-04:00

I decided to deleted my last two posts because I was very uncomfortable with them this blog is becoming an oh woe is me blog which is not my aim I want it to be more of a happy blog not gloomy.
So I am taking a break too need to get back to being the happy person I can be don't know how long it will take but in the mean time I will keep checking up on my blog friends until I feel myself again, hopefully it won't be too long.

2006-01-01T05:18:00.000-04:00

These are the lyrics to a Yolanda Adams song thats going to be my inspiration for 2006

No things to do lists or resolution i'm just going to live.

NEVER GIVE UP

Visions that can change the world trapped inside an ordinary girl
She looks just like me too afraid to dream out loud
And though it's simple your idea, it won't make sense to everybody
You need courage now
If you're gonna persevere
To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you're called
So don't be afraid to face the world against all odds

[Chorus]
Keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you
Don't give up

Every victory comes in time, work today to change tomorrow
It gets easier, who's to say that you can't fly
Every step you take you get, closer to your destination
You can feel it now, don't you know you're almost there?

To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you're called
So don't be afraid to face the world against all odds

[Chorus]

Keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you

[Bridge:]

Who holds the pieces to complete the puzzle?
The answer that can solve a mystery
The key that can unlock your understanding
It's all inside of you, you have everything you need yeahhhh
Sooooo, keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside, keeps inspiring you to try don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you
Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way
But you're gotta keep the faith, bring what's deep inside your heart yeah your
Heart to the light
And never give up
Don't ever give up on you
Nooo don't give up,
No, no, no, no don't give up
Oh, no, no, no, no don't...give...up

HIGHLIGHTS OF 2005.....

2005-12-30T02:21:00.000-04:00

In honour of my new favorite blogger TeeJ here is my first attempt at one of his rambling lists.....

1. The son and I visited the in-laws in D.C. early January
2. It was cold but there was no snow
3. I wish I could experience a real snow storm one day
4. I don't know why people complain about the cold it wasn't so bad
5. It felt like the inside of a fridge guest its the way we complain about the heat here
6. I read somewhere that a woman is like an oven and a man is like a microwave when it comes to sex
7. I think about sex a lot these days must not be getting it enough must do something about that......
8. You look inside my fantasy and made each one come thru.......
9. Love that Dionne Warwick song she was here last month and I did not go
10. A fool will lose tomorrow looking back to yesterday...... true words Dionne
11. Got two job offers on my return from the DC trip
12. Took the one that was willing to acommodate my classes.
13. Discovered Tony Pierce's blog in February and eventually sent him an email
14. He answered my email plan to frame it.
15.Started my own blog with his help in June.
16. Noticed today that my last library books were due in June blogs have replaced my library visits very very bad need to remedy that.
17.Mini break toTobago in August we saw Brian Lara, Angie Stone and Shaggy
18. Started over Degree program in September
19. Finished first semester sucessfully this time so proud of self
20. Looking forward to second semester in January
21. Still overweight but extremely happy overall
22. Did not do much traveling this year did see some great concerts though
22. All in all 2005 Great Year!!!

THINGS.....

2005-12-26T04:47:00.000-04:00

I stole this from my my new favorite blogger TeeJ

Me
I AM.....really horny right now
I WILL ALWAYS.....be a little bit fat..a la Bridget Jones
I MISS.....the body i had before i had my son
I HEAR.....neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye... Gladys Knight
I CRAVE.....sex right now
I WORRY.....too much
I REGRET.....not taking naked pictures before i had my son
I LOVE...... my family
I SING.....when i am happy
I LOST......my engagement ring
I LIKE.....it when things work out after all
I DONT LIKE.....injustice
I AM LISTENING TO.....sad fm 107.1 fm Top of the dial the adult choice....
I CAN BE.....moody sometimes
I NEED......some sex
I KNOW THAT.....I am blessed
I HOPE......to live long enough to see my son grow up and do well
I WANT.....the war to end and for my goverment to solve the crime problem
I WISH.....I could figure out why my twin sister and i can't be friends
I CRY.....too often
I FEEL.....things too much very sensitive
I BELIEVE.....in the power of pray
I AM PROUD.....of my achievements so far considering where i came from
I THINK.....I'm a blog addict

Sad Fm......

2005-12-25T23:53:00.000-04:00

Its almost midnight here and I am stuck at work bored out of my mind and the guy at the radio station is in some kind of sentimental tabanca (trini term for broken heart) mood talk about sad fm in the last hour he's played

Rainy night in Georgia the Brooke Benton version
Here every Christmas... Lurther Vandross
Do me Baby not the Prince version
There's more to love than making love..... Roberta Flack
The Reason song.......
Ordinary People.... John Legend

And now he's playing this song that goes..... I don't even know how to love you just the way you want me to, but I'm ready to learn...... don't know the name but so sweet.....

Lawdee ah can't take it I wish I could leave now and go home and disturb hubby's sleep this is real torture the office is dead quiet creepy even and its freezing I have 6 more hours here oh well at least I got to spend Christmas with my family I just spoke to one of my co-workers in NY and he did not get to see his wife and kids today I felt it for him its really hard when your job gets in the way of your family life.

Today was great I slept alot finally got to see AChristmas Story loove that show just love it don't know why I don't get a personal copy so that I could watch it during the year instead of having to wait for Christmas to see it, our son was in his glee he got everything he wanted I hope we don't spoil him but he got straight A's in his school report and we felt he deserved being spoiled a little.

It was a quiet day and tomorrow we spend the day at my mothers not looking forward to it because my twin sister and I are not talking long story may blog about it soon and its going to be ackward as hell but I don't want to dissapoint my mom i'm hoping that we show up at different times I hate all this family drama its like we are teenagers all over again but what can you do sometimes.... we shared a womb together you would think we could get along better, oh well.

Hope you all had a great day today.

*UPDATE: He's playing Sharing the night together by Dr. Hook remember that song? love it real sad fm indeed.....

Tis the season........

2005-12-23T22:05:00.000-04:00

Happy Christmas to all of you

Thanks for making this year my best ever.....

I love blogging and love the new friends that I have made thru this blog...

Thanks for the good advice and nice comments and for just reading......

Happy Christmas especially to those of you who have to work for the holidays like me...

I feel your pain you are not alone.....

Dialogue...........

2005-12-18T18:46:00.000-04:00

Boy was I mad last night but the good thing is that this whole situation has opened up a lot of dialogue between my husband and I.

I mean really do you really ever know a person or just that part of them that they show you? I mean how do you really know a person if he my husband tells me that he still loves me just as I am how do I know that really and truly thats how he feels or he's just being kind and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth.

The reason why I was saying that is because I only found out recently that the strippers at his bachelor party got fully naked AND had contact with the guys I mean I was showing him the story about the saugeen stripper that Tony blogged about and when I showed him the pictures I was like at least the girls in your party did not do those things then he got quiet and then he confessed that yes it was something like that and I was after 7 years you are now telling me your party was like that I always had a picture in my head of it being the lingerie wearing pole dancing thing I did not for the life of me pictured it being like that and I honestly honestly would not have let him have a bachelor party if I had any clue they were allowed to touch the girls I mean knowing the kind of person I am back then and now what made him think I would have been ok with that really.

I mean I am only now finding this out and who knows what else happened that he's not telling me who knows there might be pictures circulating somewhere and maybe 7 years from now I will get the rest of the story and here I am feeling bad for wanting to go see the dam Chippendales and from the reviews in the paper apparently the show was very tame the women won't allowed to touch the guys and they just did routines to certain songs and used inuendos so really you think you know someone but do you really ever ever know what is really going on I mean 7 years ago my husband told me the girls just danced for them they were in the centre of the room and they just did a routine and the rest of the night it was just like a normal party I mean he had a DJ and foolish me believed him and am only now finding out that they, he had contact with the girls I mean really how stupid and naive can a person be and all this time no wonder his friends think I am so cool well I wasn't being cool I was just stupid and naive we spoke so much about this this morning that our son woke up and accused me of arguing with his dad I was not I was just in shock and still am I mean really did he really think I would have been ok with this I wish I could give him some type of truth serum so I could get the full story of all the times he has been to strip clubs and what he really did over the years because my mind is going crazy I have been looking at him all day and wondering really do I truly know this man at all.

I know I should give this thing a rest am getting worked up over nothing really but I mean my girlfriends husband was drunk when he said what he said to her who knows how long he must have kept that inside and it must have slipped out I should be studying for my exam tomorrow and this thing is just niggligling at me constantly he thinks it funny but its not and now I'm blogging about it.

I told him I want details about all the strip clubs that folish me has allowed him to go to over the years I know of about three whenever he and his friends visit Miami I know they visit strip clubs if he feels I am going to let this thing die he lie.

Need to rant.....................

2005-12-18T00:28:00.000-04:00

There is this part in Bridget Jones Diary where she says when one aspect of your life is going great another must go bad and it seems to be true.

Here I am going on about my marriage and my girlfriend the one who I was suppose to go see the Chippendales with she tells me she is doing a Jessica and filing for divorce and wants me to help her find an appartment and I feel so helpless and mad and confused that I don't know what to do.

Her husband asked me to talk to her and all I really want to do is punch him in the stomach and tell him he's a prick and lets see if he's going to get another woman to mine his three kids and put up with his shit the way she has been.

Imagine he told her that she's not in his league anymore, they were at a party and she asked him if he would make a move on her now if he was single and saw her for the first time and he told her no because she is not in his league anymore.

WTF is wrong with him since when it was ok to insult your wife you fat big belly short piece of s**t oh I am so mad the answer to that question is yes even if you have to lie you stupid prick hole.

I have this male friend who did the same thing he said he did it to get his wife to lose weight I mean she was not even fat and believe me I know what fat is she just had their second child and he got mad one day and told her when exactly is she planning to lose the baby weight well she DID join the gym and DID lose the weight but guess what he followed her one day and she was having a cosy lunch with a doctor friend that frightened the shit out of him he said he woke up and smelled the coffee big time and started appreciating what he had because he realised that she had options too and he could not compete with a rich doctor serves him right.

I have never seen my girlfriend this stressed she cries at the drop of a hat and I have one more exam to prepare for so most of my consoling has been by phone.

I don't get it at all I am so angry what is up with these expectations men have of women and this whole thing is affecting my marriage too because.... well I have to tell the truth I blew up at my husband because he kept complimenting a friend of ours infront of me because she just got her hair done but he kept going on and on about it and I losed it and told him that if he wants I could forget about the bills and take $600. and go get my f...king hair done too yes I know I was wrong...... but its like when was the last time you complimented me on my hair like that how dare you go on and on about her hair with me right there lord......I need to breathe....... I have issues I should be studying for an exam on monday but I have to get this off my chest I wonder sometimes if my husband thinks the same way as my girlfriend's husband lord knows I ain't the woman he married 7 years ago and no matter how much weight I lose I will NEVER look like that EVER again but you know what I wouldn't want a superficial prick for a husband anyway so f...k him if thats how he thinks.

......I don't cuss in real life only in my head..........

UPDATE!!
I read this post by Sienna lord I need to email it to my friend Sienna girl thanks for posting this your timing is amazing blogs do serve a purpose after all.

Reasons not to reuse your Christmas lights...........

2005-12-11T19:02:00.000-04:00

Have any of you guys put up your Christmas tree yet?

Even though I live in the caribbean we do put up Christmas trees here too its just made of plastic and we ususally put lights and decorations on it and we put lights on this tree at the front of the house too.

Anyway our son has been begging to put up the tree so my husband decided to put it up a few nights ago the thing is I had to work so I was not able to supervise but its easy since its a plastic tree all you have to do is take it out of the store room remove the old sheet from around it and put up the decorations and voila you have your tree up.

But as I said I was not at home to supervise and I get a 1am phone call from my son he tells me that the lights started sparking and daddy screamd like a girl I am still lauging when ever I think about it my husband decided to reuse the lights from last year something we NEVER do because its too tedious and you always end up with a portion not lighting but he decided that he was going to unravel the lights from last year and reuse them and I think there was a short I wasn't there so I don't know but our son described how his dad squealed out when it sparked i couldn't get mad with him for almost burning down the house because I think he learned his lesson because the tree is still without lights he threw away the old ones and haven't bought any new ones yet.

Exam preparation is slow going I am bored to tell the truth still giving husband a hard time we went to a concert last week and he wore a shirt that I bought for him and he looked sooo good in it I saw a woman checking him out and I felt proud.

The Chippendales will be in town next week and now I feel bad that I want to still go see them is it bad that I have a sexy husband who does me right but I still want to go out with my girlfriends to see some naked men do a strip act? He says he doesn't mind me going but i'm feeling guilty somehow i mean i haven't seen a another real live naked man besides him in a long time even though I don't think the Chippendales will get fully naked its illegal here anyway but i can't lie i am really breathless with excitement to go and feel kinda guilty about that i still have time to decide though.

Short post........

2005-12-06T04:17:00.000-04:00

I have to make this short because its finals these next few weeks so i should concentrate on that.

I learned something about myself these past few days and promise to blog about it soon.

Nothing much has been going on except school and deadlines.

A family member had to be taked back to rehab last week and it has put a damper on our holiday season i'm sad and feel helpless wondering why this drug has such a hold on an intelligent person who has everything going for him except the ability release himself from the pull of these drugs he was doing so well too. I know we all have our demons to deal with guest thats what makes us imperfect humans.

I am still reading blogs its my way of relieving stress just not finding time to blog myself.

I found some really cool blogs so you could read those in the mean time.

I like this blog design that caracture could be a skinny version of me :O) i wish!!

This guy gets close to a thousand comments in his blog i wonder if he reads them at all.

She did a post called the mother in law pledge and i love it!

SEASONS GREETINGS EVERYONE!!! HAPPY READING!!!

Marriage part II............

2005-11-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

I am so in love with my husband these days I can't keep my hands off him its like we have fallen in love again and its great I don't know whats triggered it who cares anyway. I am so happy now a days today some guys from school called because I haven't been going I mean exams are next week its too late to learn anything else at this stage and they accused me of ditching school to get busy with the husband and yes i'm guilty but thats not their business so I lied and told them i've been studying so much that i don't have energy to go to school which is kinda true i really don't have the energy ha ha ha.

There's this guy who interferes with me most mornings on my way home he tells me things like doodoo keep the bed warm as soon as husband leaves i'll join you he's an old retired man who walks his dogs early in the morning so i don't mind its nice that he looks out for me well he saw me with my husband and the next day he tells me that guy is your husband? he's a great guy I won't ever interfere with you again girl hold on to that man thats how its alway is even my own family will disown me if I mess up my marriage.

Anyway i've been thinking about marriage because of the Jessica & Nick saga and I am sure one of the problems in their marriage was outside interference you know well meaning people like the in-laws giving you stupid advice.

Here are some classic ones my husband and I got in 7 years of marriage.

1. Don't ever give your husband a pedicure because he will kick you afterwards. I don't understand this one at all but a girlfriend told me this when she found out that i sometimes give him pedicures.

2. You can't make more money than your man his ego won't be able to take it and he'll leave you this is silly because my plan is to make so much money that husband could retire early and be my sex slave thats my 5 year plan.

3. If you don't hurry up and get a job she is going to leave you (thats what my mother-in-law told my husband when he was unemployed and down and out ) Oh gosh man if she tried to know me she would have known that I did not marry him for his job i was so mad.

4. Girl you can't get your degree it will mash up your marriage..... i don't know why people think a degree is such a big deal to me its not i think a degree in living is a more valuable than from any university it doesn't mean you are smarter than anybody my husband loves airplanes his aunt tells me he used to sit outside and wait for the planes to fly over their house and guess what he does for a living he fixes airplanes he can fix anything as a matter of fact how many people could say in their lifetime they are doing exactly what they dreamed of as a child I love that about him he's doing exactly what he dreamed and he's very good at it. I know alot of socalled educated people who can't do half of what he does or even understand half of what he does or can say they are happy and fulfilled in their profession.

5. Girl when you first moved here.....(farse neighbour) you were so skinny what happened to you if you keep this up husy will leave you. (This one I am guilty of stressing over but you know what hes put on weight too and you don't hear people telling him stupid things) i just learned to ignore certain people.

Another sign its Christmas i'm making silly lists for everything.

ok ok ok its Christmas......

2005-11-29T20:11:00.000-04:00

This is how I know its Christmas in TnT....

You lose the ability to control your spending I went to the mall with $300. to buy a gift for my son to take to a birthday party I planned to spend only $100. I saw a pink purse so decided to get it $115 then the cashier says if you buy one other item you get a half off so go look around take your time store clerks are so nice too around this time the next thing you know my son has a whole new outfit to wear to the party his cousin got one too because you can't buy for one and not the other and i got a hangbag thats .....arm lets just say its not my style at all husy took one look at it and i just said i bought it for my mom and I had to get a card and wrapping paper the card cost $10.00 could you believe? next time son will be making his own card and I ended up getting a card for my girlfriend because I feel guilty since i've been so busy with school forgot to mail it one time and am sure will never get sent now lets just do the math shall we I spent about 40mins in the mall came with $300. and left with exactly $10. well less since its $2.50 to travel home at least its not as bad as in the past I have been known to have to walk home because I spent all my money and was too ashamed to call anyone or the classic go home to get my credit card to go back to spend money on something because I just had to have it. Whoo thank God I am more mature (getting retrenched and being unemployed for over a year helped too)and have a little bit more control in my spending but these are the things I saw in that 40mins that have been haunting me since that mall visit....

1. Sony Digital camera $4000.00

2. Seiko watch for husband $999.00

3. Remote control truck for son $439.00

4. Pogo stick for son $250.

5. ipod $1999.00

6. opal necklace and earring set @$300.

Total - $7987.00!!!

The amount of grey hairs I saved myself by not buying any of those things priceless!! Oh lawd i'm so funny sometimes I crack myself up should do a comercial.

Blank.........

2005-11-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

First I have to congratulate Brian Lara for his record breaking performance yesterday in Australia the man is amazing the guy on the radio said he went over the border. I think its a cricket joke which i did not get what a month for Trinidad and sports 16th November 2005 Soca Warriors qualify for the world cup and now 26th November 2005 Brian Lara break some test cricket record great.

I'm on the lookout for a new template I found this blog she is ah trini too and she used the colours of our national flag to do her blog design very impressive and now I want to do something like that so you might see some changes around here lord I hope i ein't do some schupidness and mess up meh blog.

I have no energy today I am on a detox for the day yesterday my sister brought some chicken roti and I ended up eating not once not twice i'm ashamed to say and then later in the night husy bought home some geera pork and I ended up eating some and pork makes my skin breakout my chest and back gets these buttons and marks so today I am drinking orange peel tea and crix hoping to get that junk food out of my system especially the pork i have a Christmas dinner in a few weeks and can't afford to get these anoying things on my skin oh why did I have to eat the dam thing I have no self control what so ever.

I don't know how i expect to look hot in my costume next year if i can't get a grip on my eating and i am missing my treadmill my sister took it home friday and the empty space in the library makes me sad i've had it for 8 years and now i miss it and husy thinks we should buy an exercise bike instead of a treadmill and my dam sister called twice for the morning telling me she doesn't understand how to use the thing ah feel to just take it back.

Anyway i'm blogging about nonsence today probably lack of food need to go rest.

bloglesss....

2005-11-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

I was going to say speechless but made up that word.

Today I did my friday tradition met my husband at the park where our son has football (soccer) practice and you know since we qualified for the world cup now we watch to see if he could be ah next member of the Soca Warriors team it's real fun the coach is hilarious these little 5 and 6 year olds running after a ball and they always do the opposite of what he asks he blows the wistle alot.

Anyway I took Tony's blook with me haven't been able to put it down since I started reading and low and behold I happened to read the last page and saw my name my real name not my blog name I squealed like a little girl and of course I showed it to the husband and of course his question to me was you sure its you it could be someone else his pin couldn't burst my bubble I know its me he meant and this is the best thing anyone has ever done for me I mean in your lifetime what are the chances of someone thanking you in their book ever? at all? ever? slim!

Tony Pierce I love you, my husband is glad that you live in LA, thank you for your kindness and you know I have to get more copies with the other cover designs for my grandchildren.

You can get a copy of his blook by clicking on the pics to your left. I highly recommend it.

Thankfull.........

2005-11-24T22:25:00.000-04:00

I answered my phone at home this morning as if I were at work Hello! so and so department how can I help you! Thank God it was a fellow student who knows what i'm going thru so he did not tease me too much the tiredness has eased up a bit I finally got some sleep.

Today a radio program did a show where you could call in and say what you are thankful for it was really great this lady made my eyes sparkle because she said a young man stopped next to her on the highway and told her to be extra careful driving because its the holiday season and people drive crazy here and she said he made her cry because coming from a young person who was concerned for her safety she said there is hope for the next generation and she called to say she was thankful for that and for the good young people around and I know what she means we younger folk get a beating and get blamed for all the evils in these times crime goes up its the youth you know what ah mean?

Anyway I had to blog about Machel Montano most of my caribbean readers must have heard of him he is from my generation an entertainer singing since he was a little boy if you ever get to go to a Machel Montano concert go you will have the time of your life so much energy love him I saw him this year at the Tobago Jazz festival and he was great so if you like you can visit his site and wish him Happy Birthday because today is his birthday he is 31 I think.

Can't wait to hear what he has planned for carnival 2k6.

Tirdnessesss...................

2005-11-24T03:11:00.000-04:00

Its 3:11am and ah can't sleep but i'm too tired to study boy its been three days since i've had a proper nights sleep.

Yesterday I fell asleep in a math class its this close to final exams and this lecturer is still teaching anyway one of my class mates woke me why? Because as he put it I was embarassing him that what your friends do more concern about his shame than mine. I think I was snoring I was so tired that I left early and came home to catch up on some sleep and still haven't slept yet my mind just races and focus on all the stuff that i haven't covered yet and how much time I have till exams oh lawdee.

Anyway we started talking today about all the strange things that we have done because of lack of sleep I am famous for puting strange things like the phone or tv remote in the fridge. I once took a maxi taxi (minibus) home and missed my stop ended up in Port of Spain and had to take another one back home. I am also famous for jumping out of bed in a panic geting dressed and head to work on my off day thinking that I had slept for days instead of a few hours, sleep deprivation is the worse one of the guys in my class told me about the time after a double shift he drove all the way home got out the car to open his front gate got back into his car and fell asleep in his car and his mother found him like that in the morning with the car running and everything that one I think is scary.

What to do? what to do? this is too much stress. I guess i should find my most boring text book and read it the thing is I am sure today I would have no problems sleeping during a lecture but tonight with a warm bed to crawl into the sleep is just not coming.

Happy Thanksgiving to any one reading from the US i love Thanksgiving wish i could hop a plane right now and go eat some deep fried Turkey.

Oh and Tony Pierce sent me a signed copy of his blook Stiff see the side bar I got the one with the black cover he is such a great guy put a nice message in it for me I know I go on about him but he is my blogging hero he turned me on to blogging and he's such a great writer and you have to appreciate and respect people with talent like his so thank you Tony.

Doing the right thing...

2005-11-20T02:52:00.000-04:00

I went to the Miss World website to vote for the girl who is representing my country and realised that you had to pay $1US and I haven't done it I am wondering now what is the point to this charging people to choose a miss world representative who knows i have time i might change my mind i just wonder if its the right thing to do and why are they charging people is the money going to charity or is it to make someone rich.

If you want to see the Miss Trinidad and Tobago representative go here.
Also i love the Barbados girl because she seem to be wearing her hair in dreadlocks check her out here.

This seems to be a thing with me these days I saw a girl driving her car in a car park this week and she hit a car trying to park and she just drove off and i stood there and did nothing i did not report it and its been bothering me i know i should have done something i don't know like leave a note and say this person driving this car hit your car of course now i can't remember her number and of course its too late to do anything about it but its still on my mind.

The thing is from where i stood i did not see any damage on the car just the bumber got hit but i still feel bad about this must do better next time.

Math..

2005-11-18T21:10:00.000-04:00

I found this at Hassan's blog a fellow Trini blogger.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math

I wish I could get the same result in my math exam oh well we all can't be experts at everything can we?

I can bend over and touch the floor with my palms even though I am overweight used to do gymnastics as a child and i'm still flexible. Isn't that something to be proud of at my age too bad this ability won't help me get my degree.

Still Celebrating!!!!!!

2005-11-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

OK I am tired my eyes are red black and white just like our national flag.

Its a holiday today the Soca warriors holiday.

I can't remember the last time I cried so much every time I see the goal on tv I cry any time someone call to tell me about their experience I cry my poor son loosed his second baby tooth yesterday and I cried.

My girlfriend says she gave a guy a bad drive on the highway and they spent a minute being nice to each other he said doh mine dat go ahead and she told him to go ahead and they stood there for a minute being so nice I hope this thing what ever it is that's in the air lasts a long long time.

We went to eat dinner at our neighbourhood chinese restaurant and they ran out of local beer and when people complained the chinese owner craked us up when she kept saying I don't know why you drink so much? She obviously don't know us trinis any excuse to party.

We stood on the pavement of the main road and waited for hours to see the Soca Warriors pass it was so much fun its like carnival in November so much happiness all around its like they say in our anthem every creed and race coming together.

This is what our country needs I saw reruns of the goal on fox sports and they said we are the smallest nation to get into the world cup 1.2 million people but I was thinking we might be small but we not letting that hold us back.

Thanks to you guys who visited my blog and left good luck wishes to the footballers and yes its true I think this victory is a victory for all caribbean people not just Trinbagonians.

WE WON!!!!!!

2005-11-16T15:55:00.000-04:00

we won the match Trinidad and Tobago is going to the world cup in 2006!!!!!

Oh gosh it is total mayhem here car horns are blaring everywhere there is a car with a boom box driving round the neighbourhood right now blaring music I am so happy I could scream.

I did not see the match after the first few minutes I was sick in my stomach so we turned the tv off and did other things hussy and I both had the day off today and when we heard the neighbours cheering we turned the tv back on so now its celebration time.

We going to Germany!!! Well done Soca Warriors!!!

Blame it on the weather..............

2005-11-15T13:52:00.000-04:00

I miss blogging so much so much is going on these days can't wait for exams to be over with so that my life could start back.

I have to say this my husy thinks that studying is making me extra horny and its only last night I realised it he says I wake him up in the middle of the night every time i have had to study for an exam stopped me in my tracks I really did not notice this and since I have called him willy wanker on my blog its only fair to admit this he said he caught me wanking off a few nights ago and he did not say anything until last night I am still embarassed he described everything down to the last detail what i was doing he came home early from work and i can't believe that i did not hear him our steps are very noisy but he stood by the bedroom door and did no say a thing and me I had no clue so now he's blown my cover and I can never deny that I do that and boy is he having a good time over this but the thing is I don't think I have ever said that I don't do that its just that I prefer the real thing but he says for as long as we've been together he never thought I did that me I am blaming it on the weather it has been raining a lot these days the nights are freezing cold I am sure one of these days we in the tropics will experience winter weather I mean its so cold at night and the rain won't stop its causing serious flooding in this country.

Anyway I need to catch up on my fellow bloggers I decided to take a break today I have a math exam tomorrow that I need a miracle to help me pass but I am done stressing over it I need a break so I am staying home and lounging around today I need this just a day of time wasting and blogging is on my top 5 things to do today.

Learning.......................

2005-11-11T13:24:00.000-04:00

No Mad Bull I haven't dissappeared its just that I am so swamped with school that I just can't blog like I used to its only temporary until final exams in December.

Yesterday I had to swallow tears in a math class it was a revision class for an exam next week and I was just not getting stuff and the lecturer said that you don't need to buy a 7lb math book to understand and I felt bad because I have been one of those who bought that 7lb math book and it has been helpful.

I felt like a duncy head yesterday I hired a math tutor and have been not too honest with him because he teaches above my head and I am too embarassed to tell him this because I don't want him to know how little I know yes I need help and its costing me a lot of money I have to meet him in the next hour and I am scared to tell him this.

I don't feel as bad today as I did yesterday because I saw Oprah and she told some kids that education is the key so she kinda reminded me why I am on this journey also I was helping my son with his homework last night and he was getting very frustrated becasue he had to write a music symbol a treble clef I think and I told him that not everything is going to come easy somethings you have to practice and practice to get it right then I stoped and said girl you need to practise what you preach life is funny like that isn't it.

So I spent the night studing math just one topic in the 10 that I have to understand and yes I am slow and my brains are old and filled with cobwebs but I am trying my best and hope and pray that I don't fail any exams I can think of about only maybe 2 exams I have ever failed in my school life and I think thats what gets me down the most the fact that things are usually so easy for me but this I think is one of my biggest challenge and I am truly afraid of failure.

I can't blog as often because i have been known to just check in on my blog and end up spending whole night reading blogs instead of studing so somedays to protect myself I just don't even visit my page to fight the temptation but as I said its only until final exams I still love blogging and reading blogs.

Oh and please wish my my countries football team the Soca Warriors good luck tomorrow they have a crucial worldcup qualifier match with Bahrain and we need to win this so please if you could get to see it where you are watch it and wish them luck.

I think it starts at 6pm.

166!.....

2005-11-07T01:42:00.000-04:00

Thats what my scale keeps saying these days and I want to believe it but I can't I am giving it one more week and then I'll accept it can't believe this new eating plan that Trouble told me about is working so well I can't figure it out at all I don't know where my motivation is coming from because I was off track for a while and now I am sticking to my plan.

I wore a denim skirt that I haven't been able to get past my hips in ages it feels great to lose weight finally to be in the 60's yesterday my sister and mom came over and they bought Hoseins roti with the works curry chicken, mango anchar,potato,channa and they tried to get me to eat it and I can't lie I wanted to eat it so bad but I had already eaten my steam veggies and I am thankful that there was no leftovers because I am not too sure I could have been strong.

This morning I was able to see the runners in the UWI half marathon and now I feel so bad because I think I should have participated and promised myself that next year I will be one of those runners I saw all kinds of people running I was inspired especially by this handicapped guy his pace was impressive and I'm thinking if he's not letting his disability keep him from running whats my excuse.

I love Christmas especially since I became a parent but one of my neighbors put up their Christmas decorations today and I was wonder did I miss something? I haven't even started hearing Christmas music on the radio yet and if they do this their house will look stale by the time Christmas comes around me I like to do everything the night before put up new curtains, paint,clean,cook all the night before and on Christmas day you are so exhausted you sleep the whole day well thats how we do it.

Have a great week.

Kids these days......

2005-11-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

I had this conversation with my 5 year old son today...

So you're dad told me that you and Sandy are married?

Yeah we kissed and we're married?

Kissed where?

On my cheek.

Oh but what happended to Krista I thought she was your girlfriend?

Well she kissed Wally so she can't be my girlfriend anymore?

OH.......

I changed the names but can't believe that we have to have the talk about girls already he's only five what does he know, he thinks when you kiss a girl she becomes your wife because as he put it mommy you and daddy kiss and you are married I guess thats his 5 year old reasoning.

My girlfriend called me to tell me that her 13 year old son has been going to school without underwear I told her thats what they call going commando its the first time she has ever heard of it I don't think its a big thing but then I have no idea what the kids these days are into but is it bad that he does that? I did not know what to tell her I guess she just has to have a talk with him.

Sorry for the short post but am in exam mode these days.

Marriage.......

2005-11-02T03:35:00.000-04:00

Does this happen to anyone else? The diamonds in my wedding ring shines real bright on those days when I am thinking naughty thoughts I just noticed that when I told huzy this he said he put a magic spell on my ring the thing is he has a plain band so does that mean I have to be worried because what stops him from doing naughty things hopefully his conscious.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately because its in the news a lot these days from Babyface to Gabrielle Union she was in Trinidad last year playing mas even Haille Berry came to Trinidad one carnival its an epidemic the divorce thing I bloged about some friends we met for carnival a long time ago who invited us to their wedding about 2 years ago and now they are getting a divorce we haven't even developed the film from their wedding yet (long story).

What makes a marriage work for some I look around for an example you know of a marriage that I can use as an example of what you should do and there is non not my parents my dad made a mess of things ask him he'll tell you what not to do.

I guess my in-laws my husband's father and stepmother I mean from the outside looking in what have I observed
She makes basically the same meal often for dinner meatballs and spaghetti guaranteed if you visit for diner anytime in the week you will be served this at first I thought maybe that's all she knows how to cook but no its her husbands favorite meal so that's what she makes me I don't think I really know what my husbands favorite thing to eat I should wake him right now and ask him and cook that all the time this is so embarrassing I am bursting my brain trying to think what his favorite meal is.... Terrible wife that I am.

He has his life separate from the hers he plays a lot of golf he goes on tournaments with his pals sometimes in other states I guess they don't need to be up under each other all the time that's it husband needs to pickup some kind of sport will suggest this to him one more reason to wake him.

They take trips together this year they took a cruise to Europe just the two of them so romantic imagine at 60 and still getting it on with the husband.(Have to play the lotto for that one but its been ages since we took a trip together alone shameful our son is 5 and we have not taken a trip anywhere without him must fix that.

I have seen them disagree but never mean with each other and I like that he complains about her shopping and how tiredsome it is but last time we were there for thanksgiving we woke up to them returning from an early morning shopping trip to Macy's even though he complains he still takes her because like me she doesn't drive so adorable when you think about it.

So its not all bad there are good marriages out there I guess they don't make the news as often as the Brad and Jennifer breakup stories these days its easier to throw in the towel as opposed to fight for your marriage note to self.

Happy Divali........

2005-11-01T19:02:00.000-04:00

Its a holiday here today Divali the festival of lights celebrated by the Hindus here in Trinidad it signifies the triumph of light over darkness, good over evil well i can't say by the Hindus only i should say by us Trinis because I am sure most Trinis do like i do go visit a friend and take part in the celebrations too light a few deyas too.

I have been hearing bamboo bursting all day today and later on tonight we will go for a walk in the neighbourhood to look at all the lights they put oil in these little things called deyas and line them up and light them beautiful.

I cooked curried chicken today and bought ready made roti yes i don't know how to make it from scratch but could not eat it since i am on this new diet its suppose to be vegetarian no flour and no sugar i love the Indian delicasies especially the sweet ones but I have to do without them this year.

The weather today was perfect early morning shower then perfect sunshine throughout the day perfect for a beach lime but husy had to go to work i really need to get my drivers licences.

This is a holiday week because on friday we celebrate Eid-ul-fitr the Muslim holiday more eating and celebrating.

So Happy Divali to everyone!

Post Secrets......

2005-10-30T19:50:00.000-04:00

I got this from the PostSecret blog which updates every Sunday here is my personal postsecrets.

1. When I am on duty at night when its late I take off my bra and go bra less its freeing and if someone drops by my office I hide my front with papers our talk to them sideways don't think anyone has noticed.

2.This blog is a secret from my friends and family and if i'm found out might shut it down.

3.I don't drink coffee, smoke or do drugs but am addicted to eating paper especially the computer paper at work started during my pregnancy and I can't stop I keep some in my bag when the urge hits everyone thought i stopped after the baby came I don't know why I just love the smell and taste of paper.

No Title.............

2005-10-29T23:40:00.000-04:00

Boy that earthquake yesterday was something else my husband and i were siting out front on a metal love seat in the front yard watching our son ride his bike then the chair started rocking and i actually said babes stop shaking the chair like that thats when we realized that the trees were vibrating and the water tank was dancing we started arguing about should we go into the house or not and then it stoped real scary of course he scared the s**t out of me last night by shaking the bed i actually thought it was an after shock now my son and i are plotting to catch him as soon as he falls asleep.

I have been sick I was feeling low for sometime now low energy so i went to the doctor thank God found out........ TMI warning!!.........that I had a urinary track infection apparently I have been not taking enough bathroom breaks and was making myself sick I was so relieved but my doctor made me feel so bad i think i am going to find another one he actually asked me why at my age i was going to school how i was neglecting my wifely duties and if my marriage breaks up what will i be left with he kept going on and on and no matter what i said he was saying things like are you trying to convince me or yourself i left his office feeling low and of course now in hindsight i could think of a million things to say to him but my parents taught me to respect my elders so i guess its a generation thing.

Guilt is a hell of a thing though I cleaned the house from top to bottom and i mean clean behind the beds,sofa and every piece of furniture was dusted and vacumed even the bathrooms and i hate cleaning the bathrooms i know i have no reason for feeling like this my marriage survived a difficult pregnancy unemployment money woes whats three years of sacrifice and our son is doing great in school his teacher says so but i did take friday off and go see him in his tiny football gear playing football after school and it was fun.
I did also go to the Roberta Flack show it was great even though in my opinion she acted like a diva but i guess she earned that right a long time ago she gave me chills throughout the night because its like her songs have been a part of my life she sang killing me softly with his song......it was great to see her up close on her piano and i was really impressed with the two guys from Barbados in her band Arturo Tappin he played the sax first time i have ever seen him perform fantastic also Nicholas Brancker i kept wondering is he using a pick to play that guitar? he was amazing felt proud of those guys.

Anyway i have some catching up to do i miss reading about my blog friends so its catch up time.

Riches.......

2005-10-26T20:07:00.000-04:00

The lotto here has been climbing now for weeks,its now 8 million and i forgot to play it and its too late i hope it rolls over again and reaches to 10 million thats about 1.5 million US.

I wish i could win the lotto the problem is i don't ever remember to play it or if i decide to go play it if there is a line i just wouldn't bother I don't know how i expect to win with that attitude. The thing is I have never won anything ever i think i am one of those people who has to work hard for everything and i don't mind at all i think you appreciate things better i know what being poor is when my dad left us in my early teens we had to go without even electricity sometimes we had bare minimum to eat there was this one time my sister came home crying because she saw our dad grocery shopping with his girlfriend and we barely had anything thats why the first thing i will do if ever i win the lotto is i'll buy my mother a house with a full staff she deserves it for being so strong and holding it together during does times.

People always say they will keep their job not me i can't wait to quit my job and go to school full time and do a lot of traveling you know like for one year go to all the carnival events all over the world for one year Nottinghill in London, Brazil, Miami, Caribana, DC even CropOver. Oh and i want a house with a swiming pool don't ask me why because i can't swim i guess i'll hire a cute Tyson Beckford look alike pool boy.

I once met a lady who won the lotto she was a struggling single parent and she won she bought a house in Trinidad and another one in another island and was able to take care of her kids she said the only regret she had was the amount of people she gave her money away to she said people would approach her with all kind of schemes to get her to give them money she said she squandered a lot of it and if she had to do it again she would not tell a soul that she won and i think i'll do the same.

What would you do if you won the lotto?

Telephone lover...............

2005-10-24T20:56:00.000-04:00

Three months ago I took the new phone plan offered by TSTT (local phone company) because it offered unlimited local calling and the hours of calling i used to rack up with my girlfriend was embarassing i used to have to hide the phone bill from my husband sometimes it was so bad i would have to pay the bill in parts i used to say well i don't party every night or waste money so the phone is my one indulgence but since school has started i haven't even been able to make use of the free calls until today we set a record we started @10am my husband left to run some errands and he was back at 2pm and we were still talking I hung up not because we were done I was just so embarrased the time flew.

She had to change phones twice because they needed recharging today was a record and if you ask me what we talked about i don't know topics ran from husbands to kids to sex to masturbation to more sex i think its a thirty-something thing because we seem to talk about sex alot she lives just a 15min taxi ride from my house but today's weather was just about cosying up under the covers and kicking it with my girlfriend.

There is a controversy going on about my band Tribe apparently there was a section that had a size limitation you had to have a certain bust and waste size and there was an article in the Express newspaper where the author said that the band was discriminating against black women it came across as if black women cannot be the size it was 34C bra and 34 inch waist.The author Terry Joseph said:

"Well, to hell with Tribe and that condescending concession, as it is widely known that black women, particularly those who have borne children, aren't likely to meet these contrived standards. Tribe could just as well have said in the statement: "If you're plump or black or worse, both, forget coming here to register for "Nylon Pool'' or "Tale of Benguela'', because this is dainty mas and we only want persons of compatible description in these sections."

Tribe says the section has only 20 people thats a picture of the section and the mold to make the costume only goes up to one size the thing is I kinda agree that its hard for the band to discriminate because registration was online and you can't know what someone looks like if they register over the internet and I for one is a short dark skined overweight black woman and when I wanted my costume changed from a bikini to a whole suit the band leader could have told me well you have to wear a bikini take it or leave it but she was very accomodating I don't know what to think is it discrimination if they say they want women of a certain size playing in their band? and should I be supporting a band like that by playing with them? I have a lot of thinking to do its the first time in all my years of playing mas that i have ever heard of size limitation on a costume.

Ah Bag Ah Sugar.......

2005-10-23T16:26:00.000-04:00

I have a gap between my front teeth just like Lauren Hutton and growing up with it was not easy boys will making sucking sounds when my sister and I come around it was really annoying.
When I got a little older I would get teased by men they would say girl you hear what they say about women with teeth like yours? No well alyuh eh easy. I would always not get it. I knew it was a sexual thing but friday a co-worker finally explained it to me and I blush everytime I think about it. He said that they used to say that the gap means that ah have ah bag ah sugar that ah walking round with ah bag a sugar I just love that.

My boss the big one who i haven't seen in about two months (one of the benefits of working night shift) saw me on friday and said you've losed a lot of weight since I saw you he said I looked great and I felt high I know my clothes are feeling better but haven't found the time to go weigh myself at the mall but hopefully this week I will go because I want to try something else a healthy way to lose weight that a friend told me about and will blog about it soon.

NY!

2005-10-20T19:07:00.000-04:00

Tony Pierce just returned from his NY trip wish I could have gone NY is my favorite American City my best friend lives there and she likes to leave annoying messages on my phone right now I saved the last one she left this weekend she said she hopes that I could see her before she turns 35 she is 31 she's so sarcastic sometimes I don't know why people think that because you work for an airline that you can just hop on a plane and drop by well you have to get time off and you need money but I hope to visit her soon she is my bestest friend ever we have been friends since the age of 13 we met in secondary school this year made it 20 years that we have been friends and even though she lives in NY we still are best friends I stole that picture from Tony's buzznet because it reminded me of my last trip in 2003 I lossed weight because we shopped so much that girl has energy I tasted starbucks for the first time too expensive if you ask me, spent the day at the Barnes and Nobles store ate at Boston Market because the Olive Garden had a long line that was the trip where I bought all my clothes two sizes smaller as motivation to lose weight had to give them away i'll never do that again what a waste of money.

My girlfriend lives in the Bronx its not like I expected it to be there are parks and trees I expected it to be a rough neighbourhood and there were baby strollers everywhere,she has her own apartment now and became a mommy last year and she's gorgeous and single and I wish I could find a guy for her.

Days like this

2005-10-19T22:52:00.000-04:00

What a rough day I had today I finished my lab report and took it to work last night to fine tune it a bit was so proud of self when I go to print it out the computer shuts down on me and I lose everything everything I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Get home after working night shift kiss son goodbye fell asleep on the couch and slept so much missed first two classes for the day.

Lecturer gave out math exam results and mine were so dissapointing I thought I had done so well my pride prevented me from crying in front of my friends but the look the lecturer gave me I felt so ashamed wish I could have dug a hole.

Found out that a security guard at the electric company works for more money than me I didn't need to know that especially how broke i've been these days.

By 1pm I just couldn't cope lab teacher said marks will be deducted for not bringing in lab on time came home to cry and mope got a message from co-worker that lab was on the computer all the time I did not lose it fell asleep again and did not hear my son's driver calling on his return home from school he had to blow his horn for a while my neighbors and him must think I am such a bad mother because its the second time this week all I seem to be doing is sleeping.

Since I need cheering up I decided to post something that Trouble a blogger from the Cayman Islands wrote a while back on his blog he said it was ok its really funny and right now I need something to lift my spirits a bit.

Some similarities I’ve noticed between my Blog & Sex:
I didn’t even know what it was until someone else told me about it.

At first I thought that it would be really difficult, but I didn’t want to be the only one not doing it

So I asked my cousin and he showed me how to do it.

When I first tried it, I was all alone sitting in front of my computer screen.

The first few [key] strokes felt really good.

Halfway through, I was going so fast that I felt like I couldn’t stop.

When I finally finished I felt satisfied, but I wanted to do it again, and again…

I was nervous that if someone saw what I was doing, they would make a nasty comment.

The first time someone commented on my technique she was kind of vague.

The second time it was two girls and they both said I was somewhat amusing.

The first time I got a good compliment, it made me feel all fuzzy inside.

The more I did it the better I got at it.

Even though I haven’t done it much, I still think I’m really good at it.

Every time I think I know everything there is to know about it, someone shows me something new and I have to pretend I already knew it but secretly I’m embarrassed that I didn’t.

Putting lots of effort into it is physically exhausting but very emotionally satisfying.

Now, girls who want to try it for the first time, come to me for advice.

Short Post..........

2005-10-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

OMG!! I just called the radio station to win a pair of VIP tickets for the Roberta Flack show next week and the dj put me on the air I sounded like a complete dork I was giggling like a school girl God I hope nobody I know heard me the shame it was an impulse thing I just dialed and it rang and rang and just as I was going to hang up she came on the phone and I was live on...... Oh lawdee I hope I win I want to go to that show bad but I am broke! broke! broken!.. broken to thief as they say in trini so keeping the fingers crossed.

UPDATE: Chuuupsss.... ah didn't win the girl who called before me won the tickets and if they feel ah goin and waste ah phone call tomorrow an wait by the phone and radio to try again tomorrow they lie ah hah too much more important things to do all that trouble for nothing yes ah dam vex yes.. ah still going to the show somehow ah think ah go really ha to sell the treadmill anybody want ah used treadmill? going cheap! cheap!.

I Know Diets Don't Work...............

2005-10-17T05:08:00.000-04:00

If you have been to Trinidad you must have heard about Crix crackers its a staple here they call it the vital supply I always have a bag in the cupboard and I have a cookie jar filled with it in the kitchen also I have another cookie jar in the office guys from other departments always stop by my desk and they don't even bother to ask anymore they just reach in and take handfuls of it and leave, my jar is always empty when I come back to work from my off days and its cheap so you wonder why don't they buy their own anyway I stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago I love it you can get it in whole wheat, multigrain and original plain flavor I prefer the plain you can eat it with anything cheddar cheese is my favourite.

I have tried every diet under the sun cabbage soupslimfast,grapefruitdiet,Atkins,you name it I have tried it the only thing that works for me is exercise but I don't have the time my treadmill has dust on it I can't find the time so I decided to try this diet that a friend swears worked for her she ate crix and drank water only for two weeks and lossed a ton of weight sounds easy doesn't it?

Well starting today I am going to try it yes I know this is not the way to do it but I have to try something I love crix so it shouldn't be that hard to do i just keep a bag with me for those times I get hungry I don't have to be tempted to eat junk and you can get water everywhere how hard can it be so here goes.

My challenge for this week also is to exercise for two days out of the week find two days in my schedule and do some form of exercise I think its better to exercise just two days as oppossed to not exercise at all which is what I have been doing for the past few weeks and exercise will be going for a bike ride with my son or him riding and me running anything that will build a sweat and send the heart rate up so if any of you guys are up for the challenge just join me it doesn't have to be a gym workout anything that you can do a game of football with the boys or girls whatever so please join me its easy really just two days if you can do more good for you but for me I have to take it with baby steps.
I spent the better part of this night finishing a lab report that is not even going to be graded oh well the knowledge is more important than a grade I have to tell myself this otherwise I just wouldn't bother and I have two mid-term exam to study for so my schedule will be full this week really hope I can get some exercise in though.
So good luck in the coming week hope its a great week.

Sunday blogging.................

2005-10-16T09:11:00.000-04:00

Do you like getting emails? Well I do especially from other bloggers its like going to your mailbox and getting letters from friends instead of bills that's why I like to write letters so much more personal but in this electronic age people don't like sending snail mail anymore so emails are the next best thing I think.

got an email from a fellow blogger she was nice enough to send me an email about her blog and today she blogged about giving head.

True confession I am not very good at this I think I am the worse my husband has ever had I fit the wife stereotype and I won't get mad if he ever leaves me because of it I'll understand,the thing is they don't teach you these things growing up they teach you to cook and sew keep a clean house I mean I wanted to do wood working in Secondary school but was forced to do Home Economics I could sew a dress,cook a great meal clean and do laundry at the same time but not this and I ein't getting better at it husy doesn't even ask me to do it anymore he's kinda gun shy lets just say after a teeth incident I don't have to give details here use your imagination.

There are somethings I feel I am ok with not being good at you know you accept your limitations after a certain age I can't wear high heels for long my feet swell and ache for hours after, I can't swim it doesn't bother me much but this it bothers me why can't I get past the mental feeling that its wrong and gross and that gag reflex thing. Is there anything a person could do to get rid of the feeling of wanting to puke? Or is it that some people have it and some people doesn't have it and I just have to accept that, but he is such a good lover to me I think he deserves better oh this is so annoying I don't even know why I am blogging about this its TMI.

He's going to leave me I just know it and I don't blame him poor man.

Models....

2005-10-15T04:13:00.000-04:00

Found this cool thing here these are my before and after pics of course my hair looks nothing like that but its a cool thing.

Sweet Trinidad................

2005-10-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

There was a joke going around today that since the football team won their match against Mexico there haven't been any murders or crimes because the bandits and criminals took a day off to celebrate our victory well boy were we wrong.

I just heard on the news that another bomb went off in Port of Spain today this time down in St. James near Smoky and Buntys one of the more popular limin spots here.

So far the news says five people were injured one seriously thats the third bomb in the last few months and the police seem not to be able to solve it.

What is going on in this country of mine I hope they find the person or persons behind this so far for the past three months there have been a bombing in Port of Spain on the third week of the month and today was no different enough is enough we are slowly losing our inocense here its true what they say the price of progress is high the more developed we become the more crime there is.

Not too long ago you could leave your house open and go out leave your car open now security companies are making big money here everyone including me live in gated communities last week we forgot our son's bike outside and was relieved that it was still there when we woke up.

Anyway enough with the doom and gloom what are you people doing this weekend? me I might go to a concert some students are putting on in UWI on saturday and the husband wants to check out the new hooters restaurant that opened this week but mostly I plan to do some studying.

Richard Marx, Star Ship, The Temptations, Glen Washington and Freddie Jackson all these artists will be in Trini this weekend for different concerts but I am saving my money for a concert Roberta Flack will be giving on the 27th instead.

So have a great weekend you guys.

Wheeeew......

2005-10-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

Me wiping sweat from brow... I took 45 minutes to figure out how to put up that link to your left for Tony Pierce's new blook which I am going to get as soon as I get paid.

This blog is an education and don't ask me what I did I just copied and pasted until I got it right you can click on it and it will direct you to where you can get a copy imagine I figured out how to link too so proud of myself can you tell?

I can't wait to figure out how to do a fancy template with a caribbean theme.

One more thing I have to gloat about I did my first math exam today and I am proud to say that even though I did not get an A I know I passed me with cobwebs in the brains returing to school after all this time.

I have to be honest I could have done more work dam those Sex and The City re-runs my plan today was to go to the exam room and exude confidence smile with everyone sign my name to my paper and sit until someone else leaves first(can never leave first in an exam because people will know that you did not study) then I was planing to go straight home and not talk to anyone but low and behold one guy called my name as soon as I walked in the classroom he was saving a seat for me poor thing he thinks I can help him in the exam I guess I fooled him the next thing you know I saw questions I could answer and was shocked when the lecturer let us know that 30 minutes had gone already half way there and I was on a roll so forgive me for walking a little taller today. It won't last.....

I would recommend to anyone to go back to school do it its really fun I am really having a good time I am tired but its never a dull day and that feeling of achievement is priceless plus you get to see young people well younger people because I ein't old see young people do strange things like the other day a student cleared a classroom in seconds when he puked all over himself drunk in the middle of the day but what was more funny was the tagged team formed by his friends one got the mop and bucket to clean up the mess and the others carried him home it was hilarious to watch.

I have to go now the Soca Warriors are playing Mexico in a few minutes and I have to go drool over Russel Latapy.

UPDATE! WE WON!....WE WON!

I might be wrong here................

2005-10-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

Ok I am pissed today a bajan student stood up in class today and ranted about the drivers in Trinidad and I saw stars but of course I said nothing and it had nothing to do with the topic of discussion I hate it when foreigners critisize my country its just wrong I will never go to someone's country and criticize anything about the country especially while I am enjoying the benefits the country has to offer I wanted to tell him well go back to your country and do your degree there then but that would have been unkind.

Have you even been to a party or a movie and had a ball and only to read an article or hear someone else's opinion and you wonder did they go to the same movie or party well thats how it is with my country I read other blogs where people go on and on about the crime here but thats just one aspect about my country and if you harp on the negative you will never see the positive.

I love my country and yes the crime is getting out of hand maybe when the Scotland Yard and FBI get here things hopefully would get better but thats not all there is to my country.

Come to my country on wednesday and you will see everyone dressed in red because the national football team the soca warriors will be playing a game against Mexico and we support our own even if like me you don't really like football. Does the president of your country play mas? Well ours do he flew to Panama this weekend to support the footbal team. Have you ever been to an event gone without food our drink and still get fed by strangers thats how we do it here my husband and I got invited to the wedding of some friends because we parked next to each other for carnival in '96 and shared or drinks with them American's and now its as if we are family.
I love my country love it its beautiful the people are very tolerant of loud sometimes obnoxious foreiners its not all bad.

And I can harp on the negative in other peoples country have you ever been lost in the subway in NY well you might ask 10 people for direction before you get help but does that make NY a bad place hell no I love New York they know the meaning of a sale so if you are looking you will find the negative.

I have been to Barbadoes 4 times once we got lost and a guy actually jumped in the car and took us around a stranger afterwards he took us by some friends and shared a bottle of Canadian Club whiskey with us I love how the busses and taxi system is so simple to understand and dependable.
I have been to almost all of the caribbean islands Grenada is so clean Antigua we went to Shirley Heights and had a ball making friens I got married in St Lucia and a guy a stranger took us out on his boat no charge and showed us the coast I have been to Miami Cap Cod D.C and NY I like how the men call you ma'am we went to a bar in Boston only black people there and felt comfortable I just told my friend that I like plenty olives and the waiter when he brought my martini put a bowl full with olives next to my drink and you think we have never had bad experiences in other countries yes we do but you just use common sense when you travel.

Anyway I am done just had to get this off my chest.

Hair issues..........

2005-10-08T19:40:00.000-04:00

I love this male costume from Poison's dream band for 2006 this is the iroquos section and the wearer ein't bad either love the tattoo oh I wish I could ..... oops i'm married and pmsing and extra horny today the books will have to get a break tonight.

Does this happen to anyone else I have been treatening to cut off all my hair or go back to relaxer this whole week with school and work I don't have the time for hair and its been frustrating me you know the afro don't look good its dry and getting on my last nerve.

Anyway I washed it yesterday and today I can't keep my hands out of my hair its behaving it looks and feel great I used a new shampoo by Isoplus that my hairdresser recommended and boy my hair feels soft and its very straight today even the husband commented about how great my hair looked so I won't be cutting it or relaxing it anytime soon. I guess my hair is as moody as me.

No Time To Blog.......

2005-10-07T01:42:00.000-04:00

*No Time To Blog*

That will look great on a tee-shirt. Yes I am preparing for mid-terms next week its my first exam in years so I am nervous as hell I keep having to tell myself that the world won't end if I fail one lousy exam.

Anyway I found another podcast thru sweet trini blog would you believe a podcast from right here in Trinidad so if you want to hear some trini accents listen to this Caribbean Free Radio just click on the link.
They have a cool logo as well.
I am really liking this podcast thing so check it out.

Podcasts...............

2005-10-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

Most of you guys know that I am not tek sauvy I take my sony walkman with me when I run knows nothing about mp3's and ipods (an ipod costs $2500tt btw thats my mortage) I think my 5 year old son knows more about the computer than me.

But I discovered a new thing called pod casting I first heard about it from Tony Pierce he has his own podcast blog here but I could never figure out how you get it to work I heard it on my boss's computer once but not on my home puter until a friend did something to it don't know what but now I can finally hear it a windows media thingy pops up and I can hear it.

Anyway I have to tell you about Eban Crawford he is a blogger I used to read his blog loved the way he expressed his love for his wife he is an American guy living in the uk I am sure I can be friends with if we ever meet really cool well he changed his blog into a podcast blog and its really great yesterday he did his 50th podcast.

So go check it out he plays great music on there and its really entertaining I have been catching up on his back shows all day.

Don't you love finding out and learning about new things? Now I wish I could figure out how to do a podcasts as well I do have a nice voice you know I always feel I could do a Dear Amelia show where I can give relationship advice not that I am an expert or anything.

Have a great week you guys and go wish renee at her reneegetsfit blog today is her birthday so many libra bloggers out there.

The cure...............

2005-10-01T19:43:00.000-04:00

Its October 1st! today and I did not remember to say rabit! rabbit! when I woke up for good luck do other people do that still?

TodayJAG my favorite dutch blogger reminded us about the annual boobieton which kicks off today you can send a donation or submit pictures of your bobbies men and women allowed all in an effort to raise money for a cure.

Its a coincidence because I was going to blog about an article that I read in October Essence today where there is a story of a woman who is a cancer survivor there is a picture in the magazine of her with her kids and husband and I cried when I saw it and I don't even know her and what struck me in the article there were other women who found out they had cancer as young as 32 and 29 and it kinda hit me and she said that she hated the condolence cards that people sent it was as if she had died already and I felt sad for her because I know how her friends probably don't know how to behave if you get a chance read this months Essence that story really moved me.

I have a friend whose mom died from breast cancer and I went to visit her and we spoke for a while I remember how outside looked when I left her house because it was late and the sun was orange in the sky and she died that same night and I did not know while talking to her that she was going to die I thought since she was out of the hospital that she was better I had no clue she looked normal to me just a little out of breath when she spoke they were very private about the whole thing and I always try to think back to if I said a proper goodbye as I said I thought she was better she was sitting up on the sofa she was not in bed or anything it really hit me and she was young and beautiful.

I saw the interview Oprah had this week with Melissa Etheridge and there are so many women battling this disease you wonder sometimes if we can send a man on the moon and send a missile from far away and have it hit just that one target why can't we find the cure for this disease.

Happenings....................

2005-09-30T19:34:00.000-04:00

Wow haven't posted in two days and I feel bad.

I found out that mid-terms are in two weeks instead of three and I have a headache since then talk about panic I mean you're not even given time for the new stuff that you learn to sink in and marinate a bit and you want me to resuscitate it in an exam already? I don't get it at all.

I found out that the principal of my secondary school died and he has been on my mind all week he was a bit eccentric you know the intellectual types who can quote shakspere and speak a million languages but he left a mark on us students if you go up to an ex student and recite the following "The ways of the transgressor is exceedingly difficult" or "Watch and learn less you maybe lead into temptation" you will get a smile and a you had Mr. J too! He was not easy his punishment was you either had to write those words 100 times no matter what you did I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try he really left a mark.

I was a good student more nerd than anything my only reason for getting punished by him was I was caught reading one of those x rated magazines you know the ones where there are erotic stories well it was being passed around in one of our classes where the teacher was absent and guess who was left holding it moi!

He was cool though I think he knew it was just curiosity and it was definitely not mine he kept it for the day (I guess he must have read it too)and I had to write the lines 100 times and hand it in and he did return it which was cool.

Its only when you become an adult you appreciate those educators whose only interest was to make you a better person and that's the kind of principal he was its sad that he died though you wish people like him could live forever because the next generation could so benefit from someone like him.

Speaking of education the government decidedas part of next years budget to pay full tuition for tertiary education so those of us who are in University don't have to pay for school from next January I am so happy about that love getting good news like that.

Have a great weekend you all.

Wish come true...............

2005-09-27T01:29:00.000-04:00

I was just browsing thru the newspaper and guess who will be coming to Trinidad?

The Chippendales!!!!

This is too creepy I was only lamenting about the lack of male strippers and here the ultimate strippers will be coming soon ah can't wait.

I am blogging insteading of studying my brains feel like its freezing up.

Does this happen to anyone besides me? I can throw paper in the waste basket from a distance without missing I mean backward shots over my head without looking and never miss but the moment I try to show someone I always miss what is up with that?

OK back to the books!

Birthday wishes.............

2005-09-26T19:57:00.000-04:00

OK I did not get my stripper party can't believe its so hard to find a male stripper in Trinidad. I wonder if I can get this guy to model this angelfish costume from my band tribe at my party a girl could only dream eh.

But I did get a whole timarisu desert cake its in the fridge and I promise myself that I would not eat the whole thing promise.

Lots of gifts today Tony Pierce linked me on his blog and left a comment as well he is so sweet.

Zaida over at plastic/nyc blog linked me too I feel so special today.

All of my favourite bloggers left comments and some new ones too so thank you all very much.

And one of my professors today was kind enough to give me an assignment to hand in tomorrow so guess what I'll be doing late tonight I guess that's life.

Happy birthday too to my twin sister even though she doesn't know about this blog.

Aniversarizing...................

2005-09-25T20:02:00.000-04:00

Thats what my girlfriend asked me when she called today to wish me Happy Aniversary she asked if I was done Anivesarizing my man...hehehehe she is so funny.

I am in a much better place today as you can tell cure for feeling low lots of Aniversasizing.

I am going to ignore my birthday this year and just focus on my Aniversary because its cause to celebrate.

Seven years ago today I was a bride.

This guy who did everything right and stole my heart became my husband.

We did not have a big elaborate wedding we wanted to save for a house so we wrote to a few caribbean resorts and chose Club St. Lucia because the manager himself wrote us back and gave us a great deal and the pictures were so beautiful.

I remember crying in the Airport because bwee had cancelled our flight because of Huricane George and I thought it was a sign we ended up getting a flight with Liat to St. Lucia and we had a ball talk about the honeymoon before the wedding we got to the resort on Monday and was married on Friday and we ate and drank so much my dress barely fit.

My husband's best friend flew up and a good friend of mine came up and it was just the four of us I just wanted a private pleasant quiet wedding no fuss and maybe one day we may have a larvish ceremony for our family to witness.

My husband did everything right well not everything because the first time I spoke to him he just brushed me off and I told myself what a stuck up guy anyway we ended up working together for a while and one day he just looked me in the eye and asked girl when are we going to take this thing to the next level gave me the shakes when I tell my friends this they don't believe me because he is so low keyed I am the agressive one but he did make the first move and we went on a few dates and it was no looking back for either of us its like they say in movies and books everything took a back seat to us don't ask me details about what was going on in the world during that first year we were together I don't know days just flowed into each other recently we were watching Showgirls the movie and there was this pool scene and we both started laughing because when we were dating we went to the drive in about five days straight and never saw that scene in the movie don't ask me what we were doing that we never saw that movie properly.

I love him with all my heart we have seen a lot together things that should have destroyed us only brought us closer together and we always say its us against the world and I feel like that I feel like with him here by my side I can do anything reach the highest levels just because he is by my side.

So today I have cause to celebrate a reason to be happy. I know what true love is I have found it in this man my husband.

When do you not blog....................

2005-09-23T13:13:00.000-04:00

I have been trying not to blog on those days when I am feeling down the last thing I want is when someone reads my words they end up feeling bad I try to keep it light and fun and as a result I haven't blogged in a while.

This happens to me every year my birthday is in 3 days and I always get down don't ask me why I felt it coming on a while now and its full blown now.

I'll be 33 and the checks and balances are whats taking place in my mind I have lots to be thankful for I have a healthy family I am living my dream of going back to school so I should be jumping up and down estatic but I am not.

I am fat when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself I see my mother and it gets me down.
I have never been drop dead gorgeous I mean no guy has ever walked into a wall while looking at me but I have had my moments where I felt attractive you know when I was skinny and I could wear any style but for me it was always the package it was always about where I worked and how much money I was making and my intelligence guys would tell there friends she works so and so to discribe me and you accept those things about yourself.
I once had a boyfriend who used to tell me I was too skinny but now I would do anything to go back to my skinny days.

Saturday is my husband's birthday and Sunday is our 7th aniversary and Monday is my birthday and we should be going to some exotic location and celebrating the weekend together but I would much rather hideout at home.

I am so tired of being fat and invisible yes invisible I am tired of going out with my skinny friends and have guys ask me for my 'friend's' number I want too much I guess I hate that my husband is aging better than me and he have women making fools of themselves over him its like because he is married to an unattractive woman they feel like he is fair game.

I want lyrics from strange men a guy once came up to me and said girl are you as smooth all over as your legs? made me high for days.
The last lyrics I got from a guy was girl I lick from front to back give meh a chance nuh? Gross!! I am down to the dregs now.

I have to stop now because I am feeling so sad and down today I am so tired of running and exercising and starving and not losing a pound even.
I have been at it since the year started and I am still fat. I'm just so tired of the struggle.

Firsts.............

2005-09-20T19:59:00.000-04:00

No wonder! I heard a guy say that the women in Engineering look like dogs well I ein't helping the situation I finished working a full 12 hour night shift this morning and did not bathe I went straight to classes yes oh geed! and only had a shower after classes around 2pm thats terrible I looked and felt like hell.

Anyway I saw my first boyfriend today after years and years I call him my first boyfriend even though I 'm not sure he really was lets say he was my first love then.

He works at the University of course I ran into him on my worst looking day I probably smelt bad and my hair was a mess, these days I just don't know what to do with it makes me feel to just go back to the chemicals anyway I am going of course.

He looked great he looks a little like Musiq just like I remembered him he's married like me and he has two kids.

I call him my first love because I did love him if a 14 year old knows what love is I lived a very sheltered life my dad was so paranoid about his daughters he told us that all boys wants to get in our pants and we believed him.

Anyway I met him at a sports event I used to run for my school and he was this short cute guy I think he was about 17 not sure but he made my heart beat fast when he spoked to me and the following day in school he sent a message asking for my number and we started talking by phone of course we couldn't meet because my strict dad used to drop and pick me up everywhere but we found a way.

My school had a bazaar and we planned to meet I remember dancing to this song it goes like this 'mooove closer move your body real close until it feels like we really making love'.... remember that song that was my first time dancing close with a boy and we kissed that night too my first kiss I can tell you the date and time and how the moon looked because I still have my diary from back then boy was I in love then he set the bar because he was so respectful and kind I am not sure if I still have his cards I save everything so I am sure if I search I can find it he was so sweet but it was just too hard to be proper boyfriend/girlfriend those days so we must have just drifted apart and I did not have another boyfriend until I was 19 really he did set the bar and seeing him today brought back memories we did not get to talk properly because I was hustling to a lecture but now that I know where he works I will of course look him up again I have so much questions of course I'll make sure and look nicer next time.

I must say in my life I have been very lucky to meet and date some really cool nice guys guys I can still be friends with to this day and that I have only best wishes for including him my first.

Quote...............

2005-09-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else, you are the one who gets burnt. - Buddha.

Just found this in yesterday's Trinidad Guardian it was meant for me, note to self.

Dear H..............

2005-09-19T04:09:00.000-04:00

Dear H,

I did not say anything when you took it upon yourself to bake pastries and goodies for my husband on a weekly basis I told myself he likes those things and since I can't bake good for him you are so kind.

I did not say anything when you lent him your brand new car when you went on your vacation even though a dent on it may cost us a years salary I said good for him driving around feeling like a pimp in a car he can't afford but I did find it strange that you will lend him your car but your flesh and blood son can't even drive it.

I did not say anything on those evenings when he had to jump at your beck and call when you wanted a light bulb changed or even your fish tank cleaned.

But today you crossed the line when you decided to give him a neck massage right infront of me and decided to lecture me about how i'm not doing my wifely duties and taking care of my husband excuse me, but I can take very good care of my man thank you very much.

I just have one question for you if you are such a man expert why don't you have a man?

Yours truly,

Amelia.

This is a letter that I wish I could send to a certain family friend but it will hurt her feelings so instead I'll put it on my blog yes I am a big coward.

Party Animal.................

2005-09-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

I was going to blog about the party on Saturday talk about how much of a good time I had and tell you how much respect I have for Allison Hinds she gave a great performance her ability to wine and stop is amazing I can tell you how Rupee was great and he said somebody grabbed his totie (term for his privates) when he was reaching into the audience real funny I can tell you that Destra looked great can't wait for my abs to look like hers she busted a hole in her pants and had to stop performing to change it but something has been on my mind that happened that night and this is my only way of dealing with it by writing who knows I might delete this post after but I have to get it out.

One of my girlfriends did something that I am confused about I think she crossed a line lastnight.

This friend she has gone thru a transformation in the space of a year she was depressed for a while she would cry at the drop of a hat and she loosed some weight did a make over started going out and its the happiest I have ever seen her.

I find myself having to defend her constantly my sister and I had a disagreement over her because of the way she dresses my thing is whatever makes her happy we women like to judge each other too much I think when we should support each other instead.

Anyway last night we picked her up and we all were heading to the concert then since we were so early she suggested that we stopped at this new bar on the avenue called the Crowbar we sat and chat since we were not drinking alcohol I tried a Red Bull suppose to give you energy still waiting for it to work and the next thing you know she says she is not going to the concert with us she made other plans and she sold her ticket outside the venue and some guy in an expensive car pulled up and picked her up and she left and of course my other girlfriend was pissed me as I said was all whatever makes her happy not that I was condoning her behavior and to make things worse when the concert was over she called to ask for a ride home and my girlfriend told her she should get the guy to take her home instead and now I had to promise my other girlfriend that I will not invite her out with us again you see she well we are all married and she thinks we can get into a lot of trouble because she might be horning (trini term for cheating )her husband and you all know that I am not a good liar she put us in a very uncomfortable spot my thing is if you want to cheat on your spouse don't involve a third party of course I had to tell my husband and he agrees with my other friend that we should stay away from her and her dangerous game me I am not so sure we all I think are rushing to judgment again we don't know what she did with the guy maybe it was an innocent date I don't know I have spent the better part of this day thinking about this whole mess.

The thing is I am putting the party animal back into his box and packing him away for a while maybe until after mid term exams so we won't be liming at all unless Prince decides to come to Trinidad I'm good until then but I have to do something I would hate to drop a friend because of me judging her I have no way of knowing what goes on inside her marriage maybe this is her way of dealing with whatever it is. I should just ask her not to repeat something like this or be angry with her because of the position she put me in I just don't know.

Learn from me.................

2005-09-16T14:31:00.000-04:00

I learned one very important lesson this week.

I CANNOT party during the week and expect to function like normal.

It seems i may have to take a coleague's advise and not party until next year *sniff* for carnival.

My girlfriend's birthday was on Wednesday and when I called her to wish her happy Birthday she was down because it was her 35th birthday and she had no plans so I went into action and made a few phone calls and we ended up going to a club three girls out in the middle of the week.

We went to club 51 Degrees and it was latin night and we had a ball there is nothing like dancing with a spanish guy singing the words to some spanish song in your ear corazon,amor and noche all the songs had those words heeeheee.

I danced with this one guy he kept spinning me around on the dance floor my calves and thighs are still in pain like I did a workout.

I had only one magarita and they were giving out free techila shots and i still feel hungover today.

My girlfriend had a great time too we kept embarassing her by telling her how great her ass and tits look for a mother of three I was her pimp for the night i told every cute guy who passed by that it was her birthday and she got lots of kisses and hugs there was this one guy we all fought over him like school girls he spoke little english and was to die for cute we all danced with him poor fella I wonder what he thinks about trini women now we have no behavior.

And now I am behind in my studies and Allison Hinds and Rupee are having a concert tomorrow and unless I get all my homework and assignments done I cannot go well I can go but it will be bad and I have to stay focused *snift*

I should be studying now even oh this is so hard.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Meme week..................

2005-09-14T02:50:00.000-04:00

OH JOY ! I am getting my costume made like this I spoke to one of the organizers of the band and I told her i did not want to wear a bikini and she's going to make my costume just like this so happy!

Still in the meme mood got this from Jon over at his Gray Matters blog one of my favorites the guy is crazy and you can't help but like him visit him and say hello.

The Bold ones are the ones that apply to me bet you won't read the whole thing....

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you"and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a babys diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne for sure!
25. Given more than you can afford to charity but it always worked out
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when youre not ill hell yeah
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier my breast hehehe
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign governments official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a strangers table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Lets Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but dont regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone whos not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldnt have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you dont remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark its a staple in Trinidad bake and shark
113. Removed - Im not telling that one [???]
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Removed - Not telling this one either [wtf??]
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children at the moment
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didnt stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldnt have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a seizure
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someones heart none that i know of
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being [pfft, whos gonna answer THAT?]
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery emergency cesarian while asleep
159. Had sex on a moving train made out though
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someones mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch sewing
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn;t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested