SmallIslandGirl

just a chick from Trinidad writing about her life on a small island but with big dreams all the same.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Life..................

Where to start i have started to write a couple times in the past few weeks but could never publish what i write. I've been in a funk for some time now.

A few weeks ago someone called me and told me that i need to watch my best friend and my husband they have been sleeping around behind my back and its been rough these few weeks you know should you believe it? It wasn't from someone i recognise so i have no way of knowing what was their intent.

But i've been doing a lot of evaluation these days the thing that bothered me the most is that the idea of her betraying me hurt more than the idea of him cheating why? because i expected it isn't that terrible? that i have such little faith in my husband?

Anyway i ended my friendship with my best friend of all these years not because i believe the caller because i don't i have no evidence and they never liked each other anyway so they have to be really great actors all these years the thing is she has betrayed me before a long long time ago and i mean i asked myself what is the reason that i have her in my life i know i have really bad self esteem that i somehow feel that the only way i could get some confidence is to hang around with someone who i think is better looking and somehow some of her confidence will rub off on me the thing is she believed that she was better than me and she once told me a long time ago that i will always get her dreags she was refering to a guy i was dating that she introduced me to and her behavior hasn't really changed its just that i have been putting up with stuff that i should not be so i told her we can't be friends anymore.

The marriage thing i haven't decided what to do about it yet really thats the truth I know I have to work on my confidence and build my self esteem i know i put up with a lot of stuff i shouldn't all because i tell myself i can't do better and all the other bullshit things we feed ourselves.

I really don't know where you get confidence from and what happen to me along the way that i have such a low view of myself? i went to a job interview recently and i did not get the job but the woman who interviewed me pulled me aside after and told me that i need to work on my self confidence she said she looked at my resume and all that i have achieved for someone my age and she couldn't figure out why i came across the way i did in the interview and its because i lack confidence seriously i do but you there is a thin line between confidence and being full of it you know those people who brag about everything and think they know it all well i can't stand that and i don't want to be like that but i need to become the kind of person who at least defends my own self and should know my own ability and don't put up with shit i should at least become the kind of person who speak up and say no don't do that i don't like it when you do that and if you keep doing that i'm out of here.

I know my weight is a big part of the low self esteem thing so i am getting it out of the way first i know i can't do it alone so i signed up with a program a doctor is offering here i have a friend who told me he's writing my eulogy because he thinks the doctor is a quak but i don't care people get results with him andi am tired of losing and gaining the same 10lbs the other thing is I am finally planing to go on that by myself trip to Miami its been on my things to do list for 6 years six years i have been planning to do that and every year family trips take priority i haven't been on a plane by myself going somewhere fun by myself since i got married and i used to do that all the time when i was single save my money and just hop on a plane and go shopping or sight seeing I remember hearing about Sam Lord's Castle in Barbados and i just took a plane and went to Barbados for a weekend by myself i had breakfast in Cave Shepards and took a bus and spent the day at the Castle hung out at the resort and flew back home I made friends with a couple from Kansas I think we exchanged letters a few times but losed touch thats the me I need to find the girl who used to do things like that.

No more feeling sorry for my self no more oh woe is me my life is shit and I can't do anything about it no more of that i'm done really i mean it this time.

26 Comments:

Blogger Charles said...

Cheer up....you should do the fun things that make you happy. Spend more time on you....after all, you're a special person.

3:59 AM  
Blogger Mad Bull said...

>> oh woe is me my life is shit

Look, no feeling sorry for yourself. If you ever know how many people have it much worse than you!
I agree with you, make the necessary changes and do things to increase your confidence, but don't be sorry for yourself. No one's life is perfect, we all have our issues. Just evaluate yourself, set your goals, make your plans as to how you will effect change and execute.

Glad to see you back ;-)

Oh, and tell your friend 2 badwords for me!

8:28 AM  
Blogger JaG said...

I think that the fact that you know what you have to work on is a really good thing!! You know what needs work so you're already half way there!

Stay strong sister! And don't worry too much about your weight unless it's a really big health issue for you. Jill Scott is quiet big too and she's the most beautiful woman on the planet, imho.

Sending you love from Holland!

9:03 AM  
Blogger Dr. D. said...

I had begun to think that we had lost you (like many other Caribbean bloggers)....

Re the husband and friend issue, I can only say that you and hubby need to speak. What you decide to do afterwards is between you and him.

Self confidence does not come naturally. I fully agree with you that there is a thin line between being confident and a full of yourself show off. Don't put too much emphasis on your weight, there are many successful females around who are not exactly slimmas. Hope things begin to work out for you soon, and yes, take the trip. But, I wouldn't recommend that you go staying in a hotel all alone in Florida. That can be depressing. Go link some family or friends. And remember to smile. :-)

10:26 AM  
Blogger Abeni said...

Welcome back.As someone who had/has self esteem issues I know where you are coming from.The thing is to find out what is the cause and work on it.Start believing in yourself and it will start lookin gup.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Scratchie said...

I'll just say welcome back. The other stuff I guess will work out itself in its own way and time and when you see fit. Just hang in there.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Stunner said...

It's good to hear from you again, even though the news isn't cheerful.

I'm not good at giving advice, so i'll just say that you need to know that no one is better than you are and you need to find the the good in yourself and raise your self esteem. Don't give up on the wieght issue, you can do it! Be careful of the solution the doc is giving you, do your own research. Lastly, you need to take a break by yourself so that trip was agood idea.

I hope thing will get better.

2:07 AM  
Blogger Lily said...

I'm glad to see you posting again.

And good luck...

12:03 AM  
Blogger Jdid said...

I agree with doc, you and the hubby need to talk. communication is very important in relationships. he needs to know whats going on in your head and if you have doubts you have to confront them. alot of folk say i'm sort of controversial in my way of dealing with folks but for me if something is bothering me i need to find out i cant just sit in limbo cause then my brain imagines all sorts of stuff even worse than whats happening.

regarding the self esteem its hard to change but I think you can do it and without becoming arrogant.

6:33 AM  
Blogger princessdominique said...

I hope its not true. I don't visit much but I do know something like that hurts. And as for them not liking each other, I just liken it to the boy in the school year that picks at you, he does it because he really does like you. Sometimes that friction is a coverup.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Paul Adams said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:43 AM  
Blogger chris said...

I like the realness of your blog. The girl who used to hop on planes by herself and go places for the weekend sounds very cool and confident to me. You just have to find her again. Move everything out of the way so that you can...weight, friendships, etc.
You are in my prayers.

4:02 PM  
Blogger CoolDestiny said...

Wow ... It's glad to see a post from you. If what you heard about your friend and your hubby is true then you made the right choice is telling her to piss off. Now, you need to talk to your husband about the situation and decide where you go from here.

Think about all the positive things about you. Forget the weight. What about what's inside? I don't know about anybody else but I think you are such a great person just by what you have said on your blog.

Glad you took that trip and planning to take another. You should plan one to Jamaica so the J'can blog crew can show you a great time and help you forget your worries.

You are in my prayers and remember if you ever need someone to just talk to, I'm always here. Chin Up Small Island Girl with a Very Big Heart!!

8:07 PM  
Blogger sweet trini said...

it's all been said- we pullin' for you, girl.
walk good.

10:12 PM  
Blogger G-Man said...

good to see you are back!

hang in there...

11:40 PM  
Blogger Campfyah said...

So glad to see you back. Life throws us lemons and we just have to make some darn good lemonade. You need to have a nice serious chat wid de hubby, Re. the girlfriend. People come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime, maybe her season was long overdue.
Keep your focus and don't beat yourself up about the weight or the confidence, just take your time and work on both of them.

1:08 AM  
Blogger Gela's Words said...

Hang in there girl

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