SmallIslandGirl

just a chick from Trinidad writing about her life on a small island but with big dreams all the same.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

5K.....

Today is a national holiday its called Indian Arrival Day where we celebrate and remember that 161 years ago thousands of East Indians left India to journey all the way from their homeland and settle in the Caribbean. So Happy Indian Arrival Day!

I have to blog about my first 5k which took place on Sunday. Since the semester ended (notice i haven't blogged about my exams results at all? lets just say it was bad and leave it at that) anyway since the semester ended i have been on an exercise kick i go to the park/savannah and do a lot of running mostly to destress and lose weight and i'm getting better and better so i decided to try a 5k.
My time was 55:16 because i ended up walking the whole thing my twin sister yes we've started back talking recently i'll blog about it another time just have to say my mom should get a job with the UN she can help with the world peace problem. My twin sister wanted to come with me actually i registered all my sisters and their kids it was a charity AIDS run and we all got tee-shirts we made it a family thing anyway my twin sister decided to wear this cute pink fashionable not for walking tennis shoe and of course her feet started buring within the first few seconds of the race and i felt sorry and decided to just walk and talk instead of try to make it a challenge and thats what it ended up being we were catching up since we haven't been talking for months now. It turned out to be fun it was around the Queens Park Savannah and since it was Sunday we saw a lot of weddings its a great spot to get married we saw about four wedding parties.
There are a few more 5k's coming up and i really want to enter one and actually race, challenge myself i love to run used to represent my school ages ago in the 400m and 800m races its so freeing i like when i run around my park and loop people i like to think they don't think the fat chick could pass them eh? well eat my dust but i've stopped with the showing off thing when i ended up swallowing a bug trying to pass a fella talk about embarassing! Thats a whole other post take it from me don't run with yuh mouth open ok!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Communication

Thanks you guys thanks for the kind words.

Heres the thing, to communicate, to open up to let someone see that side of you that deep down venerable little girl inside this adult body is a risk, because then you give that person power over you. It takes trust and when trust goes its hard to get back it takes work.

I've learned that the people who could hurt you the most are the people you love. I mean a stranger telling you that you are fat and ugly doesn't hurt at all you just tell yourself ah... poor thing missing out on an opportunity to get to know the fabulous me.... but someone you love telling you this stings, hurts deeply i don't know if i am making any sense. Trying not to go into too much detail here.

I don't want to become the kind of person who keeps everyone at arms length you know coat my heart with a suit of armor never let anyone in so that i don't get hurt but i am slowly becoming that person maybe its my age maybe i am losing the naive innocent want to believe everyone is good side of me.

Anyway i have made a one month contract with myself for the month of June.

1. Take better care of skin (moisturise all over after every shower and cleanse tone and moisturise face twice a day)

2. NO ALCOHOL of any kind you can't hold your alcohol and being drunk over the toilet is never attractive. ( I drank one beer last week and know now i am allergic to alcohol).

3. I am allowed to be sad and depressed only three times this month if i'm smart i'll spread it out and not use it all up by the 3rd.

4. Make date with self once a week be it mall, movies or just going to the library.

5. Some form of vigorous exercise 30 minutes three days a week minimum.

6.No apple pie actually no sweet pastries of any kind for one month.

7. Put away the scale for one month try to feel weightloss thru the fit of my clothes instead of a number on the scale ( this will be the hardest thing to do).

Reward for keeping contract with self is that pair of red sexy shoes in the mall that I have my eye on.

Have a great week!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Life..................

Where to start i have started to write a couple times in the past few weeks but could never publish what i write. I've been in a funk for some time now.

A few weeks ago someone called me and told me that i need to watch my best friend and my husband they have been sleeping around behind my back and its been rough these few weeks you know should you believe it? It wasn't from someone i recognise so i have no way of knowing what was their intent.

But i've been doing a lot of evaluation these days the thing that bothered me the most is that the idea of her betraying me hurt more than the idea of him cheating why? because i expected it isn't that terrible? that i have such little faith in my husband?

Anyway i ended my friendship with my best friend of all these years not because i believe the caller because i don't i have no evidence and they never liked each other anyway so they have to be really great actors all these years the thing is she has betrayed me before a long long time ago and i mean i asked myself what is the reason that i have her in my life i know i have really bad self esteem that i somehow feel that the only way i could get some confidence is to hang around with someone who i think is better looking and somehow some of her confidence will rub off on me the thing is she believed that she was better than me and she once told me a long time ago that i will always get her dreags she was refering to a guy i was dating that she introduced me to and her behavior hasn't really changed its just that i have been putting up with stuff that i should not be so i told her we can't be friends anymore.

The marriage thing i haven't decided what to do about it yet really thats the truth I know I have to work on my confidence and build my self esteem i know i put up with a lot of stuff i shouldn't all because i tell myself i can't do better and all the other bullshit things we feed ourselves.

I really don't know where you get confidence from and what happen to me along the way that i have such a low view of myself? i went to a job interview recently and i did not get the job but the woman who interviewed me pulled me aside after and told me that i need to work on my self confidence she said she looked at my resume and all that i have achieved for someone my age and she couldn't figure out why i came across the way i did in the interview and its because i lack confidence seriously i do but you there is a thin line between confidence and being full of it you know those people who brag about everything and think they know it all well i can't stand that and i don't want to be like that but i need to become the kind of person who at least defends my own self and should know my own ability and don't put up with shit i should at least become the kind of person who speak up and say no don't do that i don't like it when you do that and if you keep doing that i'm out of here.

I know my weight is a big part of the low self esteem thing so i am getting it out of the way first i know i can't do it alone so i signed up with a program a doctor is offering here i have a friend who told me he's writing my eulogy because he thinks the doctor is a quak but i don't care people get results with him andi am tired of losing and gaining the same 10lbs the other thing is I am finally planing to go on that by myself trip to Miami its been on my things to do list for 6 years six years i have been planning to do that and every year family trips take priority i haven't been on a plane by myself going somewhere fun by myself since i got married and i used to do that all the time when i was single save my money and just hop on a plane and go shopping or sight seeing I remember hearing about Sam Lord's Castle in Barbados and i just took a plane and went to Barbados for a weekend by myself i had breakfast in Cave Shepards and took a bus and spent the day at the Castle hung out at the resort and flew back home I made friends with a couple from Kansas I think we exchanged letters a few times but losed touch thats the me I need to find the girl who used to do things like that.

No more feeling sorry for my self no more oh woe is me my life is shit and I can't do anything about it no more of that i'm done really i mean it this time.