just a chick from Trinidad writing about her life on a small island but with big dreams all the same.

Friday, September 23, 2005

When do you not blog....................

I have been trying not to blog on those days when I am feeling down the last thing I want is when someone reads my words they end up feeling bad I try to keep it light and fun and as a result I haven't blogged in a while.

This happens to me every year my birthday is in 3 days and I always get down don't ask me why I felt it coming on a while now and its full blown now.

I'll be 33 and the checks and balances are whats taking place in my mind I have lots to be thankful for I have a healthy family I am living my dream of going back to school so I should be jumping up and down estatic but I am not.

I am fat when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself I see my mother and it gets me down.
I have never been drop dead gorgeous I mean no guy has ever walked into a wall while looking at me but I have had my moments where I felt attractive you know when I was skinny and I could wear any style but for me it was always the package it was always about where I worked and how much money I was making and my intelligence guys would tell there friends she works so and so to discribe me and you accept those things about yourself.
I once had a boyfriend who used to tell me I was too skinny but now I would do anything to go back to my skinny days.

Saturday is my husband's birthday and Sunday is our 7th aniversary and Monday is my birthday and we should be going to some exotic location and celebrating the weekend together but I would much rather hideout at home.

I am so tired of being fat and invisible yes invisible I am tired of going out with my skinny friends and have guys ask me for my 'friend's' number I want too much I guess I hate that my husband is aging better than me and he have women making fools of themselves over him its like because he is married to an unattractive woman they feel like he is fair game.

I want lyrics from strange men a guy once came up to me and said girl are you as smooth all over as your legs? made me high for days.
The last lyrics I got from a guy was girl I lick from front to back give meh a chance nuh? Gross!! I am down to the dregs now.

I have to stop now because I am feeling so sad and down today I am so tired of running and exercising and starving and not losing a pound even.
I have been at it since the year started and I am still fat. I'm just so tired of the struggle.


Blogger Jdid said...

so ya want the bredren here to give you nuff lyrics? wait let me think up a few lol

i understand the birthday blues but you'll get past it.

3:12 PM  
Blogger JaG said...

Sorry you're feeling down girl. But let me just tell me that getting disgusting comments from guys has nothing to do with how you look! Seriously! Some guys just don't know what to say and what to keep to themselves.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Abeni said...

If it is any consolation I find you have lost a lot since you put up the weight tracker.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Sienna said...

Girl chile, I absolutely understand and empathize. I turned 34 a couple days ago and i'm still trying to figure out where the last 10 years went, where the last 10 lbs came from ... and why i'm where I am now! Group session!!

I've really enjoyed your blog missy! The days will get better (i'm convincing myself of this)

10:28 PM  
Blogger Shotta M said...

Cheer up!!! I would run some lyrics pon you but none coming to my head right now...

10:48 PM  
Blogger Mad Bull said...

I lick from front to back..... ok.... and? I mean, front to back, back to front, side to side... whatever works, you know? Whats so special bout that? I used to hate my birthday too, though lately it hasn't troubled me... I think I went totally numb about three years ago.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Campfyah said...

Hangin there Girl, embrace the fact that you are alive another day. All of us women gain weight, it's not always about the skinny ones. It's about a positive attitude, and being comfortable in yourself. The weight will come off. BTW is your husband complaining aout your looks??? OK then if he ein complaining why are you.

Happy Anniversary and Happy Birthday

4:35 PM  
Blogger Naked Boy said...

We all feel that about birthdays, I never celebrate mine. If it's on a weekday, I can get away with it, on weekends, I am stuck doing the family thing.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Yamfoot said...

please dont starve yourself. it will only make you feel worse.

12:06 AM  
Blogger CoolDestiny said...

I've been struggling with my weight too and can relate to everything you speak about. Nevertheless, self esteem and confidence is very important. Don't pay attention to what is deemed OK by society. Don't give up. Continue to work hard at your dream until you get to a point where you are satisfied with yourself.

As much as I want to lose 50 lbs, I still feel beautiful being a "fatty" ... I believe I'm beautiful and love every inch and pound of me. If you feel that way about yourself, everyone will start to accept you the way you are. Remember, it is not the physical that makes a person. You are wonderful in spirit and personality ... you must be to have a husband and friends who love and care about you.

Hang in there SIG. We are all here in your corner.

BTW, I tried to put the same ticker factory thingie on my blog but it won't come up. As I said I'm also working on my weight and would love to have something like that to motivate and guide me.

Man, this comment getting longer than I thought, but the key to losing weight is not to starve yourself. You have to eat in order to lose weight. Running and light weight training will eventually get you the result you want. If you want, we can trade ideas. My problem is consistency. I will start the gym and my nutrition plan, it lasts for 2 months, then I just get bored with it and end up at square 1. But, while I'm on it, I manage to lose weight and feel better overall. Let's talk girl .. we can be weight loss partners!!

11:07 AM  
Blogger ~b*b~ said...

si your honesty is very compelling - it takes a brave woman to go there...maybe its not what you want to hear, but we all have issues regardless of what the scale says. did you see this post i wrote about feeling ugly and jealous of the "hot" girls?

12:12 PM  
Blogger smallislandgirl said...

I have to thank all you really nice people for your words of encouragement it means the world to me Becky I read your post unbelieable that we have te same life experience.
I think I am really too hard on myself sometimes when I don't lose weight I feel like a failure and yes Campfyah my husband doesn't complain so it should not even matter if I get lyrics from strange men but you tell yourself he is suppose to tell you you looking good so does he really mean it or is he just being kind to you the self doubt sets in.
CoolDestiny I would love to have a partner in this I am like you I am ready to give up but maybe I am suppose to try something else I haven't been to the gym so I will try that in the coming month.
Madbull,Naked Boy,Jdid,Sienna,Shotta m,JAG,and Abeni thanks for you kind words and support.

6:40 PM  
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