SmallIslandGirl

just a chick from Trinidad writing about her life on a small island but with big dreams all the same.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Fear......

Fear is ruling my life.

It prevents me from getting my drivers licences.

It prevents me from swimming in the deep end of the pool.

It made me wait till the last minute to go register for school today.

I have to be truthful I got accepted to study in UWI last year and I dropped out
and this is my second try.

I was unemployed and down in 2003 and every job I wanted was given to a degree holder.

So I applied for the third time to UWI and was finally accepted I was so high but I overdid the celebration and freaked my husband out i think.

He was given an opportunity to work abroad that year and spent the majority of last year abroad but when school started I begged him not to go this time because I knew it would be hard to balance he still left for the US the Saturday before school started it was devastating especially when I found out that he was given the option of working here but chose to go instead.

I was proud of the fact that for the 8 weeks that he was away I did not miss a class I worked at night my mom came over at nights I took my son to school in the mornings headed straight to classes and was doing fine one saturday I was even awarded a pass mark by a lecturer for showing dedication for coming out on a Saturday to finish a project I was happy and felt like my life was going somewhere for a change the only dark spot was the feelings of guilty on those days when I had to pick up my son from kindergarden and he was the last child there and when I think of my husband runing out on me when I really needed him but like my boss told me I tend to come across very capable and a person sometimes doesn't know when I am under pressure but my thing is there is such a thing as empathy and all you have to do is put yourself in that person's shoes and wonder can I do that too?

Anyway he came back without money used up in hotel and expenses and the first time he goes out to work he falls and breaks his hand so bad he spent three weeks in the hospital and had to do surgery and I ended up dropping out of school because I had lot of ups and downs with him in the hospital his company fired him he had no insurance and no money and I had to visit him and do all the things you do for a sick person and take care of our son and still work it took him four months to recover and it was too much my heart was broken I did not think I will ever be here again happy and be given a second chance but someone told me to go back to school and explain what happened and I did and they gave me a second chance but my fear of the questions from the other students and embarasement kept me from going back until today and it was not so bad one of my lecturers put it this way he said this is not a race of the swiftest but of endurance and he says if you want it bad you won't let pride or anything get in the way of what you want and today was not so bad I met a few of the students from last year some have to do over subjects and it was not so bad so my journey begins again.

My husband says he is commited this time and promises to give me all the support that I need only time will tell but I am better prepared and trying to put all the negative thought out of my head its going to work out I am going to graduate.

I am going to do this no matter what.

20 Comments:

Blogger HAVEWORLD said...

Good luck! Hope you work hard and succeed.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Abeni said...

You can do it.Calls for dedication but go for it

3:45 PM  
Blogger Scratchie said...

Go for it...you can use me as example. I've started and stopped this programme so many times it's not funny. I'm finally working through it and I'm up to 4th year.

Work at it..one step at a time.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Mad Bull said...

I too didn't go to University straight after high school. I was maybe 23 or 24 when I started and I went through it. Mind you, I didn't have no pickney, but that should drive you on still... Good luck, I really hope you make it.

9:30 PM  
Blogger ~b*b~ said...

i share your pain, really i do! just don't give up! i want to share some more but it's a little too personal for a comments section :)

9:36 PM  
Blogger Dr. D. said...

Conquer your fears and do what you have to. Go for it. Best wishes.

11:06 PM  
Blogger Stunner said...

Interesting story. All the best.

11:51 PM  
Blogger smallislandgirl said...

Thank you all very much your words are very encouraging.

6:59 AM  
Blogger smallislandgirl said...

Thank you all very much your words are very encouraging.

6:59 AM  
Blogger brooklyn babe said...

You're not alone.

10:05 AM  
Blogger YingYang said...

You making me want to fly to Trinidad to hug you. A little fear is good for the soul; it reminds us that we are human. Just don't succumb to it, or become paralysed. Keep the faith girl!

10:29 AM  
Blogger Campfyah said...

That's the spirit Sunshing. Just to give you alittle more encouragement. It took me 10yrs to get my Bachelors degree. Why, because I dropped out of school after the second year to do the thing called life and living. I thought Iknew it all at the time. Over the course of the yrs, I took a class here and there. Eventually 10yrs later, I went full-time to finish my last year. Took another break of about 2yrs before I went for my 2nd degree. so Go ahead and do your thing girl.

11:01 AM  
Blogger smallislandgirl said...

Broklyn babe ,yingyang thank you Camfyah really can you do that?
You know I am learning its not cut and dry as I think you get more than one chance in life I make myself sick by focusing on my age and I get this time is running out feeling so thanks for that.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Jdid said...

you will make it through this time. stay positive. we'll pray fa ya

11:32 AM  
Blogger Yamfoot said...

a little bit at a time.
small chunks.
and this is a must do.

MAKE A TIME TABLE FOR YOUR DAY EVERYDAY. ELSE THE TIME WILL SLIP AWAY AND YOU WILL WONDER WHERE IT WENT!

4:24 PM  
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